Memoirs Of A Madcap Musicmaker On The Move

Relocation In Progress Again...

2012-01-27T20:48:00.001+08:00

Here's one more pic of Chinese New Year's eve with Terry and cousins and family, courtesy of... well, Terry and cousins and family! This is Terry's cousin Jolyn and me playing on the Kinect. Fun has never been more tiring, oy. And what's with that cheesy grin, Nick???

Meanwhile, the past few days have been pretty nothing-much-going-on kinda days. Well, not entirely true; on Wednesday before work, I met up with a couple of friends from KL and had a nice lunch with them as well as discuss the future of my involvement in the theatre scene in Malaysia (mostly boycotted; more on this next time). So that was pretty cool, catching up. Plus I met up with Little Jo yesterday and today for lunch. The rest of the time has been mainly focused on work, and up till earlier today I'd been feeling rather melancholy and bordering on downright bummed. This afternoon, though, things picked up a little when I went to check out this room at this apartment that's really close to work. The owner is a lady who's about to move to the States, and she's an old friend of one of my colleagues here at work who recommended me to her. So we met today, and she was really nice, and the place was sweet, and yes, this means I've decided to move out of my current place, because as much as I find my room really cosy, the commute back and forth from work/city and back has begun to get pretty exhausting, oy.

So yea, the good news is I've found a new place. I'd been worried for a while there that I'd have to fork out extra money because I have to give one month's notice at my current place, meaning I'll still have to pay rent for February. This means there would've potentially been an overlap where I'd be paying rent for my existing place while putting down a deposit as well as first month's advance rent on a new room. (The way around that would've been to hunt for a room that's available beginning 1st of March, but was proving a bit of a challenge, too.) Fortunately, my landlady-to-be says we'll go on the basis of trust: that I will move in in March, and she won't require me to put down a deposit or pay any money upfront for the room to be reserved for me over February. And when I move in at the start of March, I just pay my first month's rent. What a bargain eh!! I guess someone somewhere is looking out for me...!

The downside to this new room is that it currently doesn't have air-conditioning (easily rectified if absolutely necessary, since they've got all these new-fangled portable air-conditioners now), and I won't have an attached personal bathroom anymore, but hey, it's $300 cheaper than my current place, and about six minutes' drive to work, not to mention a short train ride into the city, as opposed to the close-to-an-hour it used to take me to travel from where I am now. So all in all, I guess my life here is still very much in transition. Oh well. All in good time, as they say. :)

Till later!

Reunion dinner with the 'adopted' family!

2012-01-23T20:26:00.004+08:00

Hey all! As predicted, a very quiet CNY. In fact, I've just been watching telly shows all day. It's raining out, so... nice to be indoors, heh. Last night I spent pre-CNY with Terry and his family, including cousins Jolyn and Cheryl, Cheryl's hubby James and their kids Eli and Isaiah, and Terry's uncle and aunt. There was a lovely scrumptious spread of traditional Chinese New Year dishes, with drinks, dessert, board games and the Xbox with the kids. All in all, a very enjoyable night!! Here are some pics, courtesy of Terry's family!

Food all served and ready to go...

...But where is Nick?? Haiyoh! Why he late?!

Ahh, here he is! Group shot!

Nyum num num nyum!

All gone!!

Time for some charades!

Isaiah in the hood!

Thanks for the great time, Terry and family!

Timbre II !

2012-01-22T14:10:00.000+08:00

Here are some pics of us at Timbre last night. Courtesy of Terry's cousin Jolyn. Yay!

The gang!

Live band.

Feed me!

Mmmm. Pizzaaaa.

Is that a roach??

Roaches II; Wicked II; Timbre!!!

2012-01-22T03:41:00.002+08:00

Hey all! Well, guess what, boys and girls, I'm currently on a five-day break for Chinese New Year, and I'm staying in Singapore for this period since I couldn't get any flights back home. Which is just as well, really, since it's not really my favourite time of year (and I've mentioned this before, I believe). So it'll be cool. Today (Saturday, though it's really Sunday now) I spent the day with Terry, who hopped into a plane over on Friday night. Had lunch with him in the daytime, and it was a really interesting lunchtime because halfway through his meal, I'd spotted something floating about in his soupy noodles... and turns out it was a small little German roach. OMG!!

Spot the six-legged ingredient!

Naturally Terry freaked out, and as we left the place, a waitress tried to stop us from leaving. When she caught up to us, she demanded to know about our bill. Of course, Terry told her point-blank we weren't going to pay for anything. To which she replied, "Oh that's good, you don't need to pay, if you had already paid we would have refunded you." And she said this was the first time this had ever happened (benefit of the doubt, eh?), and that she was really sorry for the incident. Which, to be fair, was a pretty good response when dealing with a situation like this. So we left, placated, yours truly amused and Terry still pretty much grossed out, especially since this had happened before, coincidentally with almost the same factors: Terry and me; lunchtime; Asian soupy noodles; in a shopping centre. The location might've been different, but darned if it wasn't practically a rerun, oy!! Terry had to wash out his mouth with yoghurt from a nearby outlet. Then we headed to the Cafe Cartel, a Western food and ribs place I've been to on several occasions, and pigged out on pork chops instead. Yum.

After lunch, we walked to Orchard Road to meet little Jo. On the way, Terry had to take a photo of the Singapore Visitor's Centre, where he posed in front of the building looking confused as if to say, "Gee, I wonder where the Singapore Visitor's Centre is." This would be humourous if you knew the centre looked like this:

Unfortunately I didn't take the photo with Terry in it, but I think you get the funny. Heh.

By the time we met with Jo, it had started to storm, so we had to line up for about 25 minutes to get a cab from Ion Orchard. From there, it was all the way to Marina Bay Sands, for a viewing of Wicked (second time for yours truly in three weeks, arf arf!). And I must say, it was even awesomer the second time around, especially since Terry, his cousin Jolyn and I were seated in the front row, right before the stage, within full spit-and-sweat view of the performers, arf arf. So that was quite thrilling, up close and personal, and I think Jolyn said it right when she commented that it probably spoiled us for the next time we go to the theatre: we'd want to sit up front. Heh. The best part of the night was as we were leaving, and I got to take a photo with the dude who played Fiyero, David Harris. Colour me tickled, all giggly fan-boy style (even though I quite verbally criticised his performance the first time I saw it as lacklustre and uncharismatic. Everyone can be a hypocrite, right?!) :P Here's a mobile-phone pic of us (oy, not terribly flattering!); I'll post up another, better, shot later if I get one:

After the show, I joined Terry to meet up with his other cousin Cheryl, Jolyn's sister, and her husband James, at this live-band pubby place called Timbre @ The Substation. Had a few drinks, listened to music, got mildly melancholy as I tend to do when alcohol and emo music combine, had a good time and then got dropped off by James in the vicinity of Terry's hotel in Chinatown before hopping on a cab back to my place in Punggol (it was easier to get a cab from there). All in all, a very good night indeed! And tomorrow, the eve of CNY, I'll be heading back to Cheryl's and James's for CNY-eve dinner, so that should be pretty fun! Yay!

On Friday, I'd met up with two of my colleagues from work, Marlini and Bachan, for a get-to-know-you lunch which is apparently part of what newbies at my company have to go through at least once, heh. So that was pretty nice. And I spent the rest of the day shopping (battling crazy pre-CNY crowds) before heading back home to nurse myself back to better health as I'd just started to come down with fluey-type symptoms. Fortunately that seems to have backed off... for now. Here's hoping I last through the festivities over the weekend, heh!! Okay, boys and girls... till later!! See ya!

It's been a while, but here's a Random Sitcom Quote #29!!

2012-01-15T19:14:00.000+08:00

Larry: To be a good reporter, you need to know the 5 W's of journalism. 'Who', 'what', 'where', 'when' and 'why'.
Balki: What?
Larry: That's one.
Balki: What's one?
Larry: Exactly.
Balki: Exactly what?
Larry: Good. And 'who' is another.
Balki: I dunno. Who is another?
Larry: Right. And don't forget 'where'.
Balki: Where what?
Larry: That's two.
Balki: What's two?
Larry: No, 'what''s one. 'Who' is another. And you know 'where'.
Balki: I don't know where.
Larry: Sure you do. 'What''s giving you trouble.
Balki: I don't know what's giving me trouble. But I know *who's* giving me trouble.
Larry: 'Who'! You've got it!
Balki: Who I've got??
Larry: And you know 'where'.
Balki: Where??
Larry: Exactly.
Balki: Exactly what??!
Larry: Perfect! Just a couple more, and we'll be done!
Balki: When?!
Larry: Hey, you're getting pretty good at this!!
Balki: Wowww!!
Larry: No, no. Not 'wow'. 'Why'.
Balki: I don't KNOW why!!
Larry: But you knew all the others.
Balki: When?!
Larry: And 'where'.
Balki: Where what?!!!
Larry: And 'why'.
Balki: I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! All I know is, I was sitting here glueing, you came in... and now I'm totally confused and emotionally drained!!!
Larry: Okay, okay. Calm down. Are you all right?
Balki: Yes. I'm fine, thank you.
Larry: Okay, let's start over again.
Balki: With what?
Larry: YES.

– 'The Newsletter', Perfect Strangers

Flashy Flashy!

2012-01-15T00:53:00.001+08:00

Hey all! Welcome back to another Saturday night in Singypoo. Didn't do a great deal today; got up late (yay, slept in, despite the construction next door!); had lunch; watched telly; then headed out with Little Jo for Mass. Yup, I actually went to church today, despite myself. We headed to the Church of the Sacred Heart in... somewhere-in-Singapore, and I was especially intrigued to go because Jo and her sister had described it as the tackiest church in the country, and possibly one of the tackiest churches ever.

And tacky it certainly was/is, with neon lights aplenty, fake flowers and strange decor. Yet, despite the garishness, there was a sense of cosy about it, especially as the Mass went on with prayers aplenty in Latin; the mix of neon light and warm interior illumination somehow made the place inviting, not repulsive. The priest was a really, really old man whose taste, purportedly, got stuck in the 1970s. Which could, perhaps, explain the rainbow colours in the church (which I didn't get to photograph, since I didn't think it appropriate), as well as the literal rainbow colours here:

No offence, but it's like a gay bar. Really.

Here are further examples of the tacky (click for bigger views):

Halo!

I like to think the giant lanterns are because of Chinese New Year coming up. But I could be wrong.
Meanwhile, check out the statue of the Virgin Mary up on the balcony. With eagle. Yup. Eagle.
And behind the pillars are chandeliers. Yup. Chandeliers.

No, there's nothing strange at all about laser beams from Jesus's hands,
or a giant white ball in front of the church. No, siree...

Like I said, I didn't get to take a proper photo of the interior, but here's one I pilfered off the net...

How does anyone pray without getting distracted in here? It's like a disco!

Anyhoo. After church, Jo and I met up with her sister Ju and little nephew Kai for dinner at Parkway Parade. I bought myself a toaster oven, since the house doesn't have one. But that's not terribly exciting news. What is exciting, however, is my new new toy (referred to in my previous post): a Samsung Galaxy R smart phone! Whoohoo!

Oooo! Aaaaa!

Yup, I'm joining the ranks of the many who walk around blindly with their eyes trained on their phones, tap-tap-tapping away at the screens, oblivious to other people and real-life exciting things around them. And I'm joining the ranks of the perpetual-connected, online twenty-four-seven-three-sixty-five (or sixty-six as this year may be), thanks to unlimited access to email and Facebook and Twitter and Whatsapp and what not. Whooohooo. Join me, won't you? WHOO HOOO. I'm turning Singaporean!!

Wah lau ehhhh!!! Waaah so nais one laaaaaaaa!!

Oy.

Till next time, folks! Happy Sunday!

Week One: Done!

2012-01-14T00:48:00.000+08:00

Hey all! Whew! I've survived my first week (read: five days) at work, and it's been a pretty exhausting but exhilarating time! Settling in quite nicely at work, despite computer problems (gah), and I've also settled quite nicely at my place here in Punggol, although I'm wondering how long I'll be able to stay here considering that it's pretty far from my workplace (I knew that before signing on for this place, but "in theory" versus "in practice" are two different things), and also because there's construction going on next door which is forcing me to sleep with ear plugs. So I guess we shall see, but I won't leap too quickly to a decision. Yay!

I forgot to mention that last Sunday I joined Jo and her cool colleagues for dinner at Fat Boy's (burgers! Mmmm!) followed by a movie, War Horse, which I enjoyed thoroughly (or should that be thoroughbredly? Hahahah!), far more than I'd expected to. I guess I was too focused on the first day of work when I blogged previously, heheh. But now I've reached the "end of first week" point, and I'm averaging three pages of editing and layout a day – which apparently is pretty good, so I've been told; most newbies start off with one page a day for the first couple of weeks. And I've also pretty much gotten into the routine of travel and have figured out the train and bus routes to work, so all in all it's falling into place, pretty much.

Random story: today at work, I walked into a waste basket twice, causing it to tumble over with a loud hollow clatter, making everyone stop and gawp at me. I think I shall make myself known as the office clown. Yes, I shall. You mark my words. Okay, end of story.

I'll come back later to blog further about what else I've been up to, including my other new toy, not the Tyros 4, which I've barely touched in a week! Too busy, too knackered, too many things to sort out before I settle into the routine of music work. All in good time, I guess. All righty then -- till later... have a good weekend!

First Day On The Job! (Kinda)

2012-01-09T22:31:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone! Right now I'm sitting at my desk in my new office on my first day of work, whoohoo! It's been a long day, what with having to go back to the Ministry of Manpower this morning to pick up my working pass; then having a pleasant lunch and coffee on my own before hopping on the train to the workplace. However, once I got to the station closest to work, I couldn't figure out which bus to get on, and ended up taking a longwinded walk from a random stop all the way to the HQ. Groan.

But it's been good, and so far my work has consisted of inductions, orientations and observations of other people, which is fine, though I think I'm on the verge of an information overload, heh. Incidentally, you might notice I'm not mentioning where I'm working; just practising a little bit of discretion here. But let's just say it's the biggest media company in Singapore, and one of the most prominent in Asia, so... yay!!

Okay folks, that's all for now. Will be back soon. Not sure if I should be blogging on the work computer during work hours, so... I'll log off. But before I do – funny story: first day on the job, and I'd been using a pedometer all day to monitor my walking; suddenly in the office, this little safety-pin thingy that's part of the device gets yanked out by accident, causing the pedometer to detonate full and furious in personal-alarm mode, a shrill siren that caused everyone to gawk and gape at me while I fumbled about and tried to make the wailing stop. Oy vey! Welcome to the workplace, Nick Choo! Okay, buhbye.

Snickerdoodles and Aliens!

2012-01-07T22:25:00.001+08:00

Hey all! Today's been a pretty good day. Went out for lunch at Nex @ Serangoon with an old friend from primary/high school, Winst, and we had a good time catching up over burgers at Wendy's. So much for eating healthy, eh! That was pretty cool. Cheers, Winst!

Then I headed over to Suntec City Mall to meet up with my dear friend Carol from uni, whom I'd also met yesterday afternoon for tea; I'd decided on a whim to check out Carol's church, which is one of those stadium-like super churches on the sixth floor of the convention centre at Suntec. It was a bit of a wild goose chase when I initially got there as I couldn't find our meeting point, which ended up with me running back and forth like a headless chook. But eventually I found it, and I checked out about forty-five minutes of her church service, and then headed off on my own to do some shopping before joining Carol and her mum for dinner and coming back here. Look, here's a pic of me and Carol yesterday! Erk. Unflattering angle alert!

Carol was so sweet, she baked me a fudge brownie and snickerdoodles! Mmmm!

On the way back home tonight, walking from the MRT station, I was intrigued by some lights in the sky. Check out the pics below (click on the thumbnails for bigger view), and you can check out the video too (including the fascinating ending!):

What the...?! What izzit?!?!

Heh, turns out they were kites with little lights attached to 'em. Not very sure what the occasion was, but I'm sure there was some event in the far-off distance that had unleashed 'em!

Finally, here's another view of my new keyboard. If you thought the Tyros 4 was super sexy in its full shiny exposed glory, add a covering of Spandex and it becomes one kinky mother!

You sexy thaaang, you!

Arf arf!! Okay, that's all for now. Till later... ;)

Unwrapped!

2012-01-06T23:41:00.001+08:00

My new toy: the Yamaha Tyros 4! Whoo-hooo!!!!

Another New Toy!

2012-01-06T15:18:00.000+08:00

Yay! Yay! My new toy has arrived!! Oooo! Ahhh!! Let's get it unpacked, shall we...??

The Guided Tour of Nick's Room

2012-01-06T00:13:00.000+08:00

A Day of Errands and Curry

2012-01-05T00:39:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone! Wow, it's been a long day. Got up early today to head off to the Ministry of Manpower (that's Department of Labour, for most people) to get my working pass sorted. Turns out I can only pick up the actual working-pass document on Monday, which is my first day of work. Fortunately I start work in the afternoons, so I can use the morning to pick it up. Whew.

Then I spent the rest of the day tending to stuff that needed tending to: opening a bank account (went to two different Maybanks and got two different responses: the first said I had to have the actual working pass in hand before being able to open an account; the other branch said all I needed was to have a Malaysian savings account with Maybank and it was no problem opening one here, too. Oy.); and getting a phone number (ended up going with a prepaid account since you can really only apply for a postpaid line once you have proof of residence, i.e. official mail going to where you're staying. That might be a touch tricky, since ... really... I don't think I'll be receiving much snail mail. And then they said I could show a bank statement, but you'd need a bank account for that, wouldn't you?? And y'know, the banks would ask for your phone number before you can open an account. So all in all, a catch 32. That's like a catch 22, only bigger).

In the end, though, those thing were sorted out, and then I carted off a whole buttload of money to a music store in town and bought myself a new toy to replace the one I'd sold back home! Yup, a new keyboard will shortly be in my possession... it'll be delivered on Friday, they said, so I'll provide updates when this happens.

The rest of the day was spent in pleasant company with Little Jo: lunch at a Korean restaurant (syabu-syabu!), and dinner a couple of hours ago at a yummy curry place at Mustafa Centre, where we also tried looking for a standing lamp for my room. Wouldn't you know it, Mustafa Centre, a 24-hour have-it-all megamart with items ranging from food to electronics to textiles to gold and jewellery - from the ubiquitous to the absolute obscure - doesn't have standing lamps. Oh, the humanity! So Jo and I left, crestfallen, beating our breasts in sorrow at not procuring the sought-after items of illumination; me with just one bright yellow rubbish bin for my bedroom. Oh, for shame!

In between bank-account-opening and dinner with Jo, I managed to finally move in properly into my room here at this apartment I'm sharing with two other guys, Irfan and Zat. Nice guys. I have the master bedroom with ensuite, as I've already mentioned below; and today I spent some time moving furniture about, unpacking, getting the room comfortable to my liking for my first night. And shortly, boys and girls, ladies and germs, I'll be getting myself tucked in (as tucked in as one can be when it's hot and humid in sweaty ol' Singypoo) for my official first night here at Punggol Place. The apartments are called Treelodge @ Punggol. Sounds super-fancy, doesn't it? Heh. I'll put up more pics later when I've got the room to my liking. And tomorrow I'll likely be doing some exploring about the vicinity to see what's lurking...

Okay, I guess that's it for now then. Oh, I forgot to mention, yesterday, Mum and I went to see Wicked at Marina Bay Sands. Awesome show, a lot of fun, though I felt the guy playing Fiyero wasn't charismatic enough in the part and sort of faded in comparison to the two leads. But all in all, definitely worth seeing, and in fact I'll likely be seeing it a second (and third?) time with Terry and/or Jo!! Whoohooo!! Bring it on!! I want to flyyyy / defyyy-ing graaavity!!! Okay, I go now. Until my next post... g'nites!

Postscript

2012-01-03T01:13:00.000+08:00

Oh ya, here's a snapshot of me and the gang during my final day at work at Selangor Times. Good times.

Singapore: A New Journey Begins

2012-01-03T01:02:00.001+08:00

Hey all! I'm currently in the three-bed room at the RELC International Hotel in Singapore, which my folks and I checked into earlier today after a long day of driving from PJ all the way in. Thankfully the drive was mostly smooth-sailing, with only heavy traffic occurring when we had to detour off the North-South Highway and through the heart of Johor Bahru to head to the Woodlands immigration checkpoint.

The immigration process itself was surprisingly uneventful, with most of the staff helpful when my dad explained it was his first time driving in to the island. The bigger surprise was that despite my having packed "half the entire house" and brought it along with me in the back seat and the trunk, we didn't get questioned on the items. Let's see: there were three huge bags of clothing; two plastic storage boxes with toiletries (!) and electronic goods; my violin, guitar and microphone stand; my desktop computer; my laptop computer in a lappie bag; a bag filled with kitchenware; a bag filled with books; two large pillows; a bolster; and a quilt/doona thingy. Not bad eh!

First thing we did was head to my new place – a nice condo where I'll be renting the master bedroom with en suite bathroom. I met one of my new housemates (as did my folks) as we unloaded my stuff into the room. Mum and Dad seemed to approve of the place, and seeing it again today (the first time was when I checked it out a few weeks ago), I, too, liked the place even more. As a nice preview, here are some photos of the place! Yay! I'll post more up as soon as I get my room sorted. Heh.

Living room

View of my bedroom (no, that's not a pool outside the window, that's construction next door)

Another view of my room

Mum in the living room leading towards the kitchen

My en suite bathroom

After unpacking, we drove to RELC Hotel, which is a really... interesting... hotel that says Regional Language Centre on the front. Turns out that's what RELC is short for. Apparently it was, as it says, a language centre a few years back, but today it's a hotel. The room we're in is on the tenth floor and it's a "three person" room, so there are three single beds in a rather large space. Hark, here's a peek of the room, with Dad sitting on the bed reading the paper, almost meditating-monk-like.

Later in the evening we headed out to Orchard Road for lunch/tea/dinner (all three combined, oy!), and then we did some walking around and shopping about. What's nice is that Singypoo still has all their Christmas lights up, so I managed to feel some vestige of the Christmas spirit!

Mum and all the pretty colours!

Soon, little Jo drove up in her car, and she and I headed off on our own. We went to a lovely restaurant called P.S. Cafe, and split a meal with coffees and dessert (key lime pie, tastes almost like toilet disinfectant, yum!). Heh. Here's me in the cafe:

After which, Jo and I headed to Mustafa Centre (I bought a fan for my new room), before she dropped me back at the hotel, and now I'm clearly online, blogging, and preparing for a meeting at my new workplace in the daytime followed by what might be a gruelling day at the Ministry of Manpower tomorrow. Wish me luck, boys and girls! Okay, until next time... here's me signing off for now. Come back for more updates shortly. Cheers!

Poo

2012-01-01T21:17:00.000+08:00

To commemorate my going away, little Ashley decided to roll around in poo (and not even one of our resident doggies' poo!), forcing us to pay her added attention by giving her a warm bath. She's looking chuffed, yes she is. Oh yes, she is.

And Once Again...

2012-01-01T16:36:00.003+08:00

Twenty Twelve, Bay Bee!

2012-01-01T14:10:00.000+08:00

And so it has come upon us. 2012. Apparently there's, like, 344 days or something till the end of the world, so say the Mayans. But anyhoo. Just dropping in to say Happy 2012 once again, and here's hoping it'll be a much, much better year for all of us. In celebration of the new year, here's a new design for the blog - something bright and cheerful to accompany what I hope will be my mood and outlook for this year, arf arf!! In the meantime, packing up is still under way, and I'll be leaving for Singypoo tomorrow morning. Whew. Can't believe it's all happening. Nervous-excited-happy-sad all at once.

I leave you with this scan of a nice little going-away message "bulletin" that my former colleagues wrote up for me. Click for full view, of course. Awww. Sweet. Till later... see ya!

Fireworks!!

2012-01-01T00:00:00.001+08:00

And we're counting down!

GOODBYE CRAPPY OLD YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

364 days and 22 hours

2011-12-31T21:48:00.000+08:00

It's the final day of the year, what has been a crappy year. Let's hope 2012 will bring about change, and not just because I'm going to be in a new location with a new job. Yes, I know, change to a large degree has to also come from within - from new resolve and new mindsets and all that. Well. The clock's a tickin' to the end of 2011. I guess we'll find out soon enough what the New Year will bring. Meanwhile, I'm spending NY's Eve packing and preparing for the move. Clothes and books and toiletries and electronics galore. Whoohoo! See you in the New Year, boys and girls. And very soon, in Singypoo. Till then!

Urgh. Tired. As.

2011-12-27T21:33:00.001+08:00

Six days and counting till I leave this stupid country and start a new chapter in Singapore. I suppose I should feel excited; instead, I just feel... tired. Everything's just exhausting, and I'm short-tempered and irritable all the time. I think this is what depression does to ya: it turns everything, bad and good, into a chore. The idea of staying in this place – with my family – bums me out. The idea of starting afresh in Singapore bums me out. Christmas bummed me out. Everything's just... tedious. And I know it shouldn't be.

I'm just wondering if I maybe should start up on the Prozac again; I've not been taking it since... October, I think, right before I went to Perth. The thing is, I'd really like to get a handle on things without depending on drugs. And the other issue is that since I haven't actually been following a doctor's prescription on the Prozac per se (I've been getting it over-the-counter down at the local pharmy), it's not going to be so easy once I get to Singapore and trying to get it there. I suppose I could buy extra here and bring it in, but once again, it's all so goddamn... tedious. Sigh.

A couple of days ago I got rid of the giant stereo monitors in my bedroom – the ones that were part of my supposed "home studio". Sold 'em for a thousand bucks. Considering I bought 'em for 2.2k, and they were about three years old, I think the price was alright. Tonight I sold off my big-ass mudderfukkin' keyboard, that huge, heavy thing that's been more of a burden than an asset. Sold it for about 50% of its original price; from 14k down to about 6.5k. Urgh. Probably could've commanded a better price, but really, there aren't many offers, and I've gotta get rid of it. Fresh starts and all that. That, and I hope to get a new keyboard when I'm down in Singypoo. So... the setup below is gone now. And tomorrow my car goes, too, says Dad, who's been hunting around for a buyer. Whoo-hooo. It's all happening, folks. Whoop. Dee. Freakin'. Doo.

Bye-bye babies.

I guess that's all for now. Hopefully I'll start to feel better soon. Hopefully I'll start to feel more... alive... shortly. You know what I think a large part of the problem is? Apart from the fact that I'm broke and had literally 83 cents to last me over Christmas? It's that at 31, I don't know who or what I am. I don't feel like a journalist. I don't feel like an artiste. I'm definitely not a straight man. But I don't have the goddamn confidence to say I'm a gay man. I'm neither a believer nor an atheist. I'm not "fat" fat, but I'm not thin. Everything's too gray. Nothing's black or white, everything's neither here nor there. Now look at me, here we go again. Malaysia or Singapore? Hark, echoes: Australia or Malaysia? This or that; here or there; never on firm ground. If there's a reason for me to be knackered like shit, I think that's a good one.

That's all for now, folks. Till my next cheerful update. Bye.

Tis The Season To Be...

2011-12-25T00:19:00.004+08:00

Meeerrrrryyyyy Chrissstma––oh wotever.

Tis the season to be bored. Mum's away in Aussieland (should've gone with her); friends have gone back to Penang (should've gone with them); I've got no money thanks to the whole Singapore move coming up; my Christmas eve consisted of me watching TV show reruns in my room babysitting my dog while getting pissed on an entire bottle of red wine polished off within the hour; Christmas morning meant getting up to feed the dogs; Christmas lunch was noodle soup from the corner coffee shop; the rest of the day looks pretty blah to me. Sigh. I think I shall go back to bed for the rest of the day. Merry effing Xmas.

Singypoo, Here I Come (Longer Term)!

2011-12-20T18:30:00.002+08:00

Yo, wassup peeps! Today is the 20th of Dec, also known as my brother's birthday, arf arf. No idea where he is or what he's got planned, but ah well. Can't believe we're approaching the end of the year already. Thank heavens is all I can say, given how crappy the bulk of this year has been. But some developments have been happening in recent times, and I'm glad to announce that I am now able to blog about it, since the majority of people who need to know (and a handful who didn't need to know) already know...

As of the 2nd of January 2012, I'll be heading to Singapore and living there permanently-for-the-time-being, as I've been offered (and I've accepted) a job with Today paper under Mediacorp, whoo-hooo! So yes, it's off across the border in about two weeks... which should pretty much explain the blog posts below about frequenting Singapore. I've made one more visit since my last Singypoo blog post, I think, to get my medical done for the working pass, and thankfully everything's fine and in order.

In the meantime, I've also been scouting out accommodation, and I've finally decided to move to this place in Punggol, which looks kinda far and isolated on the map, but honestly, Singapore's only so big; every place is interconnected one way or another. Initially I'd decided to move in with these two guys, a gay couple, also in Punggol, whose place was done up like a nightclub lounge, I kid you not. But I guess it was too good to be true, as they said they didn't want to rent their spare room out after all; though the cynic in me figures they probably found someone else. Ah well.

So yea, can't believe how much it's been a whirlwind since the end of October when they offered me the job while I was still in Perth. I'd spoken to Chris, my former journalism supervisor, who was very excited for me and told me to seize any opportunity that comes my way as you never know where it might lead. So that's what I've done: opportunity... seized. I've since told my boss at Selangor Times, and then tendered my one month's notice; and in the meantime I've been making plans to sell my big-arse keyboard so I can get myself a new one after I've made the move (Neek can't do without his keyboard, no siree, and the smaller one I own is already coming up to nine years old with two broken keys); and Dad's been trying to sell my Myvi (sob!!!)... so it's all... y'know... real. It's happening. Eeeeek.

Don't get me wrong, though: I do have a good feeling about this (on the days when I'm generally in a positive mood)... though the last trip to Singypoo kinda ticked me off because a) I wasn't entirely in a positive mood, and b) a lot of Singaporeans tend to be very self-focused, ignoring other people... so for instance, if they bump into you, they'll just move on without acknowledging it, which is bloody annoying. But that's just one grievance, and perhaps I should just get used to it. Oy. In the meantime, I think I'll be missing my doggies the most. Sigh. Ah well.

Anyway, I'll write more on my thoughts about Singapore soon, and you can rest assured that come the new year and when I'm down under (not Aussieland, unfortunately) I'll be updating this blog more frequently. In the meantime, here's wishing one and all a Merry Christmas, though for me it's kinda a blah Christmas. Mum's away in Melbourne and Tassie with relatives, leaving me with dad and brother home alone for Xmas. Oy. It's a wonderful life. Indeed.

Oh yeah, before I forget, today we had a Christmas meal and gift-exchange in the office (my second last week at work, folks!). It was lots of fun, with my colleague Basil and me singing Christmas carols, he accompanying us on his guitar. And by pure coincidence, the random anonymous gift exchange resulted in me receiving a gift from Basil himself. Heh. No idea what's in there. I guess I should rip open the Macca's bag and find out. I'm thinking it's a decoy and it's not Macca's related though. Or is it....? Hmmmm.

Okay, till later... will be back soon, I promise. Ciao.

Da Meeneeng

2011-12-16T09:42:00.000+08:00

Here's a song I recorded on Tuesday night, one of my "classics", circa Christmastime 2000, arf. It's a song I really, really like (if I may say so), except, as I mentioned on FB, it's a shame I don't feel as strongly about the sentiments in the lyrics as I did when I first wrote it. Never mind; here's me and my new arrangement of The Meaning of Christmas, in the spirit of the season. More updates soon... :)

Mary (and Joseph) Christmas

2011-12-12T13:58:00.000+08:00

In the spirit of the season, here's a reminder of what was going on around this time last year. I posted this on Facebook with a message that read:

[I have] learnt that there's nothing more upsetting than when an artist starts to resent his own work. Regretfully that happened with this show. But thanks to some wise mates, I'm learning not to let my craft get affected by things that are out of my control. So in the spirit of the season, here's a clip from last year's Christmas musical, 'Follow The Light'. I should be proud of it. And I am. At long last.

And it's true, although healing does require baby steps.

Speaking of baby, here's the song. The clip is made up of video and photos, and the audio isn't always in sync because the live music was from a different night than the video performance. But I hope you enjoy it anyway. And I'll aim to put up more Christmassy stuff (for what it's worth, from this cranky, disgruntled agnostic wannabe) soon, as well as more updates on what I've been up to lately and where my life appears to be heading (which isn't as ominous as it sounds, arf). Till then!

Here's Lookin' At You...

2011-12-07T00:03:00.001+08:00

Hey all. I'm still alive. Will do a big update shortly. In the meantime, here's an un-Photoshopped photo of Ashley. Hehhhh. Till later... ;)

Singypoo, Showerheads and Sculptures

2011-11-14T01:00:00.002+08:00

Hey all! How's it going! Whew, am I exhausted. Got off the bus not too long ago after a five-and-a-half-hour trip back from Singypoo, where I've spent the last two and a half days. Some of you might be wondering, what's with all the travelling all of a sudden? Well, I'm sworn to (open) secrecy till everything's in order, but rest assured, this (not-so) mystery will be revealed in its entirety real soon!!

Anyway, I decided this trip to stay at a cosy boutique hotel called Hotel Porcelain (which really does make me think of a toilet, but never mind). It was relatively cheap, and located smack-dab in the centre of Chinatown (Nick surrounded by more Asians?!! Say it ain't so!), and the room was really rather tiny, but it was very, very comfortable and very pleasant. Plus, it had free high-speed wifi, so that's something else, eh?? Heh. Check out my little tour of the room in the video below (or rather, my tour of the little room!):

For those who can't view the vid, here are some pics for thy convenience. I mentioned in the video that there was a window behind the white curtain... but as I later discovered, there wasn't! Oy! Four walls! Nicely done, though. It sure fooled me!

Bed and deceptive white curtain against the wall

All-in-one bathroom

Naughty-lookin' showerhead

And oh, the little kinky-looking showerhead turned out to not be the only shower in the little bathroom. As I eventually realised, there was a nice broad showerhead literally above-head:

Wheeeee!!

Here's me cam-whoring in front of the fancy-ass lighted mirror in the bathroom:

And here's me realising that there's a cool effect when I stare at the mirror. Check it out: I didn't Photoshop the reflection in my eyes, heh:

Oooo. Freaky.

The rest of the trip involved catching up with Little Jo, her sister Ju and littler Kai; going for dinner at a Ramen place in Holland Village and me getting acquainted a church/theatre friend of theirs; as well as going for dessert at this place (I had coffee and vanilla ice-cream with caramel fudge and Tim Tams! Mmmm!):

Ironically, I was not in Aussieland at this time!

Here's me, Little Jo, Ju and Kai:

Turns out that little Kai's quite the sculptor! Here are some of his handiwork, made out of Blu-Tac. Quite impressive!!!

Centipede

Elephant

Lion head

Guess who...?

Take a closer look...

It's Tintin!!

Artist at work.

Anyhoo, so that was last night (Saturday). And today, Sunday, I had a slightly tummy-unsettling lunch before hopping on an Aeroline bus in Harbourfront to tailgate it back to glum ol' Malaysia. Ah well!!

Wish I could go into greater detail as to what else I got up to in Singypoo, but that'll have to wait... but thankfully not for too long, heheh! Till next time, I leave you with this pic at Vivocity shopping centre. It's almost that time of year, folks!! ;))

Perth 2011: Days Three & Four & Five and ... Well, The Rest Of It

2011-11-07T00:54:00.003+08:00

Hey all! Aaaand Nick is back home in humid, rainy, melancholy Malaysia, oy vey! But it has been a terrific trip to Perth, one that has been very motivating and lesson-learning and personal-growth-enhancing! Sorry that I haven't been updating as frequently as I'd have liked... mainly because I inadvertently left my camera at Alex and Mel's place on Wednesday and so didn't really have much in the way of photos to visually keep up with the sequence of events. But now that I have the camera back, here's me doing a recap of the past seven days or so!

First off, on Monday, Judi and I hung out most of the day. She picked me up from Murdoch, and we went to our favourite coffee place, C15 in Applecross, and had coffees and salads and contemplated dessert but ultimately passed on it, oy! Then it was a brief shopping session at Spudshed, where we bought ingredients for dinner; and then I was off to her place, where we prepared a lovely chicken roast meal and watched snippets of FTL 2010, and when Simon arrived we played bowls in the back yard (which was a lot of fun) before settling down for our lovely dinner in the garden. Here's a pic of our yummy (and very healthy) meal:

Mmmm... Chickennnnn....

Here's a lovely pic of Simon and Judi. If you look too closely, you'd realise there's something very, very odd about this photo. And I'll tell you why: it's really two photos, which I joined together into one. There's something very poetic about that, isn't there?? On the flipside, it's without a doubt what we call a Photoshop Fail:

LOL!!!

We had a yummy dessert of homemade custard with apricot danish with port on the side (as a drink, not as an accompaniment to dessert), before Judi dropped me off at Chris and Jade's, where the Plottkes and I engaged in another game of Dominion. I think I gotta find a way to get my hands on that game. Wheeee.

Tuesday was a rather quiet-ish day (I think?)... headed to uni and caught up with former supervisors Chris and Kate, both of whom were very, very excited about... <> Whooops, that's still (mostly) a secret for now. More on this later, when the time is right. Traa laaa laaa. Let's move on to Wednesday, shall we?? An "early" start (10am meeting time, which, believe me, is early in the madcap world of Neek): got picked up by my dear friend Andrea, and we headed (wouldn't you know it!) back to C15 for coffees and catching up! It was truly a lovely time, made even more memorable by Andrea's adorable baby boy Rhys, who, as you can see in this picture, is just so cute you wanna eat him up! :P

Aiyoooo sooo cute one!

This was followed by lunch with Alisha at her place in Freo, which was pretty interesting because Alisha, who had been on the Cohen's diet (the same one Judi and I had/have been on), had recently decided to start on it again. So our lunch was diet-style food, even though I'd been pigging out heaps with every other meal prior, heheh. Still, it was great fun catching up, and I even got some new recipes off her for when I get home (which is now) and (sigh) commence on the diet again! (No, no sighing!! It's a good thing!! This is my Christmas pledge: to drop a few kilos in time for Christmas Day!! Yeaaa!! Whoooo!!! Fist pump! etc.) No pics of me and Alisha, unfortunately. Ah well.

Lunch was followed by a ride on the train to Stirling station, where I was picked up by my awesome mate Alex (yaaay Alex), and we headed over to his place where he, Mel and I had a long chat about love, life and other disasters. We shared more on our music work (Alex played some of the recordings he had made with his school kids: rocky, funky stuff with kids singing over-reverbed and not entirely in tune, which made for rather interesting – if creepy – listening!); and I shared my boyband musical as well as snippets, again, from FTL. Then Alex and I headed out to pick up pizzas for dinner, during which time I had been inundated by phone calls that led to a rather exciting development about... oh I'm getting ahead of myself again. All in good time, my friends, all in good time. Here's a picture of Alex, Mel, and Riley, who's definitely no longer the little kid who played Dimitri the Sheep in FTL 2005:

So that was Wednesday! Thursday started with a catchup with Jason, one of my muso mates from Children's Theatre last year. That was rather enlightening! And then in the evening there was more coffees and catching up with Adam and Eva (yup, those are their names), and the motivational chats continued – words of wisdom from all parties involved on the rather rough patch I'd gone through earlier in the year; thoughts on personal development, maturity and the future, which are all very scary concepts. So yes, Thursday ended up being very empowering for little ol' me! Yay!! No pics, unfortunately... by this time I'd left the camera at Alex's and Mel's, right after snapping the photo above. Arf.

Friday was another busy day, hey! Had a long catch-up and planning session with some of the Children's Theatre crew, especially Jenny, Andrew and Murali. We've now got long-term plans involving theatre; and again, the session with them was particularly inspiring and motivating, especially as we discussed how important it is not to let our passions (i.e. our art) get damaged by things that we really have no control over. That's the gist of it. And now we've got plans for, among other things, Captain Quokka The Full-Length Musical (working title only!)... not to mention plans in Malaysia and Singapore, since... um. Well. Cough. We'll get to that soon enough. ;)

Friday night we had another potluck-style dinner at Chris and Jade's, with Jade making a whole lotta homemade pizzas (six in all! No, we didn't finish 'em)! There was Beattie, Judi, Jade, Chris, Carol and Josie, and we managed to sit through the entire FTL 2010 DVD, which, believe you me, was no easy task!! ARF. At one point in the evening we decided to bring out dessert, only unbeknownst to Beattie it was also a surprise belated birthday party for her! So there was cake and candles and sweet stuff galore!!

Beattie tried to play it cool. "Yeaaa, I suspected something might've been up..."

Judi, Beattie, strawberries and oranges!

Saturday was the official final day of my way-too-short-but-brilliantly-cathartic Perth visit. It started with lunch with Dan, Anthony and new friend Heidi, who are/were all from church, and we headed into Freo for fish 'n' chips at Ciscerello's.

Just the guys: me, Anthony and Dan!

With Heidi!

That was followed by a beer at The Loft, the Little Creatures spin-off not far down the road:

Me and my beer! Made for each other!

Following a brief visit to a music store to check out gear, I was dropped off at the ever-popular C15 to meet up with Judi, Carol, Beattie and Josie, for more catching up over coffee! Eventually Alex and Mel joined us with their awesome kid Theo, who entertained himself with his discovery of a cake-crumb-eating snail while we grown-ups made our small, medium and large talk:

Theo's be-spiralled friend.

Awwww!!

So pretty!

Almost immediately after coffee, Beattie, Josie, Carol and I headed to Il Ciao for dinner, even though we were pretty much stuffed at that point, heheh. Still, we ordered a dish each and shared them among ourselves, which was really the wisest thing to do... :)

Fierce!

Carol and landscape...

This was followed by ice-cream and more conversation at Gelare, before we called it a night and I was dropped off at Chris and Jade's with the plan of meeting up again with Adam and Eva later. Unfortunately that plan didn't materialise because, with my needing to get to the airport by 4am, I was pretty knackered and decided I'd best turn in for the night. (I wound up not being able to sleep till after 1am, with the alarm set for 3:30... but that's beside the point).

So at 3:45am, Chris, Jade and I were awake, bleary-eyed and barely functional, as we said our goodbyes (well, Jade and I did, 'cos she was staying home while Chris drove me to the airport); and the visit finally came to an end as I was dropped off at the international departure hall with a big hug and see-you-again-real-soons.

All in all, quite a trip indeed, and a surprisingly eye-opening one in terms of... well, just to understand how much a person can impact on others around them (referring to yours truly, humbly speaking, and how the Perth crew reacted to the goings-on earlier this year, as well as my realisations of the "legacy", for lack of a better word, I'd left behind at Murdoch Uni and church).

The flight back home was thankfully uneventful, despite it being delayed due to a "missing passenger" whose luggage had to be removed off the vehicle for "safety reasons"; and despite the flight mostly being light to moderately turbulent. I think I'm getting over my once-nerve-wrecking fear and was pretty much able to stay relatively calm throughout the journey. Yes, I'm pretty sure there was a placid, unaffected expression on my face such as this one as the plane bumped and lurched its way to the land of Obedient Wives Clubs and skewed politicians:

...although in all honesty, it was probably more like this:

Till next time!!!!

Perth 2011: The First Day, Part II; plus The Second and Third Days

2011-11-01T01:16:00.006+08:00

Hey all, welcome back!! So! The first day in Perth, Friday 28 Oct, was one filled with joyful reunions and food, as I was awakened shortly around noon by Beattie, and Judi-laaah and her partner, who had dropped by Chris and Jade's with potluck meals, mmmm!! Not before long, Berni (the shortly-after bride-to-be) and her soon-to-be hubbie Mike dropped in, as did Josie and Carol, and all in all it was a happy little reunion just like the good ol' days!! Click on the pics for bigger views!

Mad Hatter Party in progress!

Nope, even in silhouette the hats look silly...

Oi! Where's your hat, Chris-laaaa??

Judi and Simon, with groom-to-be Mike in the background.

How d'you like my wizard hat??

Simon and Judi again!

Cheeky Josie and Bored-ish Beattie!

Back together again, just like the good ol' days!

The rest of the day was spent just recuperating from the journey, and in the evening Chris whipped out a card game called Dominion, which proved to be a lot of fun and really addictive. Chris, Jade and I have been spending lotsa free time "socialising" over this game with booze, mmmm. Good times!

Saturday was spent getting ready for Berni and Mike's wedding in the Swan Valley, which involved a 40-minute car drive. I won't say too much about the ceremony itself, which, of course, was absolutely gorgeous (apart from the pesky flies, this being spring): the weather was sunny and perfect, and the ceremony itself was short but absolutely sweet. I even got to play a significant role by reading a poem in front of everyone which Berni had picked out herself. This led to some people saying "Berni must really love you" for her to have chosen me to have played such an integral part in her wedding. Awww. Bless. :') I'll let these pics tell the rest of the beautiful wedding story:

The walk leading to Berni and Mike's wedding ceremony.

Carol and Josie, under a tree...

...K-I-S-S-I-N.... no, just kidding. Here's Josie and Beattie!

Jade-laaa at the ceremony site!

Aww! Pretty Beatty!

Enter the bridesmaids. Hiiii, Jooo-diiii!

The wedding party.

The poem I got to read. Beautiful.

Chillin' out after the ceremony!

Aren't we pretty??

With the bride and groom.

All the pretty ladies.

That was followed, of course, by the reception, which was a tonne of fun with lots of food, drinks, speeches and dancing. Again, I'll let the pictures paint a thousand words. But all in all, I had a wonderful time, as I'm sure everyone else did, too. And the night ended with Berni and Mike off in their bridal car, now Mr and Mrs, off to their honeymoon. Well. Almost. They'll be headed off tomorrow. Arf arf. Here are the pics:

Hors d'oeuvres before the reception.

Piggin' out!

The Chris who ate the canary.

Enter Mr and Mrs Nye!

Awww!

Awwwwwww!!!

Teee-heee-heee-heeeee!!!!

Judi, supermodel.

Berni's parents delivering their speech.

Carol's turn to model.

The bride and groom deliver their speech.

Still learning how to tie a tie. Oy.

Smug.

The bride and groom's first dance!

Everyone havin' a ball! (Who's that you're dancin' with, Joodi??)

Hysterical!

A beautiful and exhausted bride! Congratulations on your Big Day!!

Well, that covers Saturday! Sunday was a pretty quiet day, with more card games and spending time with Chris and Jade, and in the evening Josie came over, and Chris, she and I went for dinner at Il Ciao in Applecross followed by ice-cream at Gelare. All in all, a pretty good weekend, eh?? Heh!! I'll be back soon with more updates... stay tuned!!

Perth 2011: The First Day, Part I

2011-10-30T18:35:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone! Greetings from the land of booze and low-fat milk, Perth, Australia! Yup, I arrived safely and am now securely and snugly ensconced in Chris and Jade's lovely home in Kardinya, just a couple of streets away from Pine Grove where Judi, Little Jo and I used to stay. It's been a nice and quiet Sunday so far, with me just chilling out at home with Chris and Jade, following a couple of days of activity.

First off, let's do some recaps about my flight over as well as the arrival on Friday morning! The flight was thankfully uneventful – and even surprisingly brief, which indicates that I must've dozed off at some point, which is so unlike me, and which I don't even remember doing! It could be because the flight was relatively smooth most of the way, and with me not having a clock or watch on hand to keep an eye on the time, time actually went by perceptively quicker than it would've otherwise. Heh. So that was all well and good.

Now, Perth airport had been held up the day before by a strike by customs' workers, so I'd been prepared to get stuck at immigration coming in. Much to my surprise, though, I got through within, like, fifteen minutes: came into the terminal building, headed to immigration, polite chit-chat with the guy behind the counter, headed to baggage claim, got my stuff, proceeded to customs, didn't get my stuff inspected, was shown the exit: "Have a pleasant stay." Well, I will, thank you very much!! And off I went. It was 5:20am by this point – the plane had touched down half an hour earlier than scheduled! – and I'd told Jade to pick me up at (eeek) 7am! Which meant there was time for a coffee and a chillout in the arrival hall. Thankfully, Jade had the good sense to arrive earlier, so she was there by about 6:15am. So it was all well and good, and this being springtime, the climate was nice and cool but not freezing, and all in all, it was a good arrival! EXCEPT...

A rather traumatising event unfurled while I was about to get my cuppa coffee at the arrival area. I'd walked past the tall flight of escalators and moments later, I heard a series of loud crashes. Then the people in front of me, who could see the escalators behind me, reacted with surprise, even shock. I turned around just in time for some poor guy to land at the base of the escalators, having taken a nasty tumble down the hard and jagged escalator steps! Oh dear!! I had no idea how far up he'd been when he'd fallen, but let's just say he landed hard in a crumpled heap and proceeded not to move. Immediately airport workers began rushing towards him, and there was a lot of hoo-haa as emergency personnel were called and ~~hunky~~ paramedics hurried over to attend to him; and not before long an ambulance was pulling up in front of the airport doors and the poor guy, who was about middle-aged and thankfully conscious, had his neck braced and was loaded onto a stretcher and taken away. Oy vey! Never a dull moment. Hopefully he's all okay. Poor guy.

So that was that. On the flight over, I'd sat next to a girl from China who didn't speak much English and needed help filling in her forms. And then it turns out she had a bit of Tourette's because she kept sighing and hmm-ing and haw-ing almost involuntarily throughout her waking hours, as well as spouting random exclamations of Chinese phrases every now and then. And at one point, two babies in nearby seats began to cry (oy vey!) and the Chinese girl began making crying sounds along with them, which was pretty amusing if not a bit interesting. And to add to the fascination on board, some guy sitting in front of me began to watch Final Destination on his laptop, which, as you might know, features lots of people dying in horrible grotesques accidents, including a nasty plane crash in the first movie (and SPOILER ALERT at the end of the fifth movie). Um. Not the best movie to watch on a flight, perhaps?? Oy!

Okay then, I'm gonna pause on the blog updating for now. I'll come back soon with more recaps on the past couple of days, including Berni and Mike's gorgeous wedding... but for now I'll leave you with a couple of pics of Jade and Chris's lovely guestroom in their renovated upstairs area! Yup, I walk in and this is what awaits me. Mmmm. Comfy. Bliss.

And here's a self-indulgent pic of me in a fancy mirror on the wall. Oh, I should add that on a whim, I splurged on a new camera on Thursday. A very impulsive buy, but after so many recommendations from friends – and having inexplicably lost my big-ass fancy camera in KLPac a month or so ago, oy gevault...! – I finally settled on a Canon Powershot S95, which, believe you me, makes any ol' picture look pretty darn good. Check me out as proof of that. It's just the camera working its magic, HEH. Okay, I don't look half bad either, all garbed up for the wedding last night. But more on that later. Okay, till then... see ya!

Ramblings from the LCCT

2011-10-27T22:49:00.000+08:00

Hey all! Quickie update! I'm at the low-cost carrier terminal waiting for my flight to Perth to celebrate Berni's wedding on Saturday! YAY! I know I've been quiet on this blog lately (and quiet in life, too, generally)... but I'll write back with more updates soon. In the meantime, I'll leave you with my lesson of the evening. You see, I've been back on my diet (last successfully followed through in 2009) for the past 15 days, and while I've lost close to 8kg in that time, tonight I decided that the diet would end the moment I reached the airport. That, my friends, was a mistake: the airport has nothing in the way of healthy foods. You see, the plan had been to ease back into regular-ish eating through selective choices of foods, i.e. focusing on healthy stuff. The airport, on the other hand, decided to put a wrench in the works by not allowing me anything healthy to choose from. So I settled for a healthy-looking mini half-pizza, which ended up being mayo and bbq sauce and cheese drenched. So much for that. Where was I going with this? Oh yea. The lesson. If you go on a healthy-foods diet for 15 days and don't ease yourself back into regular foods, you end up feeling like I am right now: sickly. Urghle. Gross. Bleargh. And now I'm about to board the plane for a five-hour trip down under. Fun. Okay, that's all for now. Gonna go. Hopefully not in more ways than one, HAHAHAHA. Bye.

More Wedding Bells!

2011-10-20T18:37:00.000+08:00

Pics from the reception, courtesy of Jo and Al!

Wedding Bells!

2011-10-18T14:38:00.000+08:00

Here are some long overdue pics of the wedding in Penang a month ago! Heartiest congradulations to Alex and Jo, who are married at long, long, long last! Hehehe! These are professional pics of the pre-wedding festivities, courtesy of Jo and Al. I'll put up pics of the post-wedding festivities (umm... not what you might be thinking, LOL!) later on. In the meantime, click on the pics for bigger views, and enjoy!

Groomsmen having breakfast at the groom's:

Nick still doesn't know how to tie a necktie:

In the church: the groom and groomsmen:

I now pronounce you...:

Big Neek squeeze!:

Group shots on the church steps:

And Here It Is!

2011-10-02T11:41:00.003+08:00

Video of my Short+Sweet Musical entry, Float N'Sync: The Rise N'Fall of the Bad Streak Boys!! Check it out! Thanks to Trudy Ganendra for the footage.

Edited to add: Here's another clip of the final show, from a different angle. This one isn't as clear, sorry about that... but enjoy it anyways! Thanks to BB Ostella Adam for helping with the video. :)

And The Winners Are...!

2011-10-02T11:35:00.001+08:00

Whew, what a night - the closing of Short+Sweet Musical, plus awards night!! I'm very proud to announce that we've won two awards this year: for Best Glitz and Glamour and yours truly for Best Musical Director. Holla! Congratulations also to all the other groups who won! As I'd predicted two posts below, A Taste of Love – a cheesy (literally) love story about cannibals who fall for their prey – won Best Libretto, Best Composition and Audience's Choice, and deservedly so. Others include Best Director for Meanwhile..., the story of two disgruntled stagehands who mock stage actors; and Best Overall Production for Oriental Take Out, the hilarious tale of a hapless geek who calls for an Asian escort. Well done, everybody!

On another note, I'm grateful for our showing having come this far in spite of a mere two and a half weeks of rehearsal time, plus two choreography sessions of about 2.5 hours each. That's all we've had. And on a personal note, I'm proud of what this show represents. Let me copy-and-paste what I'd put up on Facebook:

Confession: Because of depression I'd been severely uninspired, unmotivated and uncreative all year, and initially couldn't even get my act together to submit something for Short+Sweet. But thanks to the encouragement of a few good friends, I forced myself to sit down at the 11th hour and write Short+Sweet Musical: FLOAT N'SYNC: THE RISE N'FALL OF THE BAD STREAK BOYS. And then there were the constant battles to get it all together: "Shit, this is all way too much effort (CRIES)." But thanks to these good friends, I kept at it, even though my brain kept telling me to give up. Ultimately, I'm glad I did it – that, I believe, in itself is a triumph. Thank you, everyone.

And it's true. So despite my chemically imbalanced brain now threatening to tell me I suck for not having done better (to which I fight back: "YOU suck!"), this has been quite an accomplishment indeed, which I need to remember and hold on to. So again, thank you, everybody. For the continued love and support.

Take A Closer Look...

2011-10-01T01:05:00.001+08:00

I know I'm reposting this, but come on! Check out, in particular, Jon (who's on the left) and his expression and his gestures! Look at how wrong it is – and sexy as hell!

If I Were A Judge...

2011-10-01T00:56:00.003+08:00

There are so many wonderful shows in this year's Short+Sweet Musical that I thought, given the opportunity, I'd be keen on judging 'em! So here's my selections for who might win some of the big awards tomorrow night... hark, I'm not nominating my own show for the categories of best music and script! No, I truly believe there are worthier entrants this year... so below are my predictions. Let it be noted the time and date of this blog post... and we'll compare it with the list of winners when it's out tomorrow night!

Best Libretto (Script): Meanwhile...
Best Composition (Music): A Taste of Love
Best Glitz and Glamour: Float N'Sync
Audience's Choice: Tough call. Between A Taste of Love, Meanwhile, Oriental Takeout and Float N'Sync. My Prince Will Come is also a strong contender. Based on audience reactions, I'd like to optimistically predict Float N'Sync.
Best Overall Production: Again, difficult - in my humble opinion, all above qualify, especially A Taste of Love, Oriental Takeout and that blasted boyband brouhaha. Dare I dream we will win? Hopefully. People have commented that in terms of overall execution, we are the "tightest", i.e. most polished, most "in sync", pardon the pun. Hopefully this will prove true. But if not, it's okay. I'd be pleased for any of the above to win.

Other award categories are Best Actor (Male); Actor (Female); Supporting Actor (Male); Supporting Actor (Female); Director and Musical Director. Wish us luck!

Okay that was fun. Yay, go boy band!

Bear With Me...

2011-09-30T13:12:00.000+08:00

...as I take a boy band break. Saw this on Facebook and couldn't help but share it:

Two More...

2011-09-30T13:07:00.000+08:00

SPOILER ALERT: Everybody Loves A Boyband! (Part 2)

2011-09-29T14:34:00.002+08:00

Hey everyone, how's it going? It's been a blast on my end (hmm, that sounded weird), as we've entered into performances of my Short + Sweet Musical piece, Float N'Sync: The Rise N'Fall of the Bad Streak Boys! Yup, we had our opening night last night, and let's just say I think it went splendidly! The crowd roared and shrieked and cheered at all the right places, and later people were saying how, for my piece especially, they laughed till they couldn't breathe. Awesome stuff!

I promise to come back later with more updates on S+S (as well as the overdue wedding weekend coverage!), but in the meantime, check out some photos from last night's show. These are taken by Serge from his blog, so all credit goes to him. Thanks dude! (Warning: SPOILERS!!) Also don't forget to scroll downwards to previous posts for more boy bandy goodness!

The rain parody that gets 'em crackin' up every time!

And here's the other boy band member – the crowd roars and gasps and cheers each time he/she appears. Proceed with caution:

More pics and stuff to come!!!!

Check Us Out!

2011-09-29T14:05:00.000+08:00

Here's what's on display in the lobby as you enter the theatre. Courtesy of KLPac.

(What's with that mugshot, Tony Leo??)

Autographed Photo!

2011-09-29T13:25:00.003+08:00

Everybody Loves A Boy Band

2011-09-26T01:03:00.003+08:00

Shake That Booty Baby! (Extended)

2011-09-18T02:12:00.002+08:00

Here's a clearer clip of our first choreo rehearsal for my ten-minute musical entry (see previous post), with several seconds of additional footage! (And for those who are sharp-eared, I have recycled an existing NickChoo melody for this show. Good job if you picked up on that in the vid!)

Shake That Booty Baby!

2011-09-16T20:31:00.003+08:00

Hey all! We're chest-deep into rehearsals for my ten-minute musical, and so far so good. It's slowly but surely coming together. Last Wednesday we even commenced on choreography with the lovely Judimar, who also worked on dance moves for FTL ... and let's just say the cast is realising that being a boy band is no easy task, arf arf! They spent about two hours on the moves for just about two minutes of music. Only eight more minutes to go!!

And the show itself, my friends, has become increasingly hilarious with each new layer that we add on to it. This is going to be quite a blast indeed – I dare say the audience will be at the very least rib-tickled.

Anyway, here's a sneak peek (sorta) of the choreo rehearsal in progress. It was taken on my low-quality mobile, so it's really pretty shitey, but hey, it's something. This is Judi with Jon and Ben, who play two of the boy band members in the show, going through the motions for the opening 45-second sequence. Until Jon messes up, that is. Arf. Enjoy what you can make of it. Till next time! :D

Singing Poo and Singypoo

2011-09-09T13:51:00.032+08:00

Hey everyone! Sorry for lack of updates. Just been lazy. You know how it is. But here's some progress on the creative front: last night, we had our very first rehearsal / get-together / script-read / singing session for my upcoming Short+Sweet Musical entry, Float N'Sync: The Rise & Fall of the Bad Streak Boys. Awright! We've got a pretty cool cast, and a great director and choreographer, so I'm pretty psyched. To add to the excitement, the performances are just over two weeks away. Yes, we're pretty slow-moving progress-wise. I mean, the auditions were over a month ago, which means that most people, I imagine, would've had five weeks ahead of us in terms of rehearsal time. And we've still got to plan the lighting, and costuming and props, and I've got to figure out how the music's going to work in the theatre space (with a boy band theme, everything needs to be heavily synthesised, no?), and the cast are just going to commence on choreography next week (what's a boy band without dance?)... so it's all pretty exciting. It's also good to note that this would be my first actual creative venture since FTL last year. So... baby steps. Yea.

Anyway, I'm gonna end this post here, but in the meantime, here are some long-delayed shots of our recent visit to Singypoo, where Mum and I stayed at the rather high-class Marina Bay Sands Hotel and caught The Lion King onstage. It was a terrific show, with some rather amazing costumes and props. The opening sequence, The Circle of Life, brought tears to my eyes, and for a thankful moment I was reminded of why I fell in love with musical theatre. Hopefully I'll recapture that joy fully soon enough. The biggest downside to the show? The fact that Can You Feel The Love Tonight, arguably the movie's biggest smash hit, was reduced to a throwaway love scene; blink and you'll miss it. Oy. Anyway, all in all, definitely worth the trip, and I would've seen it again the next day had it not been for the dramatic developments that took place...

Anyhoo. Here are the pics. Not too many of me, thankfully, since I'm still coming out of my self-loathing phase in which every photo I'm in makes me look overtly overweight to me. Or it could just be the unflattering oversized t-shirts. Heh. Life, eh. It's one battle after another. Oh well. Click on the thumbnails for full views of the hotel where we stayed at, Universal Studios (exterior) at Sentosa and more.

Oh, wait, before that: I've got to regale you with this tale. While we were at Sentosa, Terry, Mum and I were trying to decide on a place to eat. And there was this Chinese restaurant called Baits. There was a sign up front that said Please Wait To Be Seated, but there was nobody there. We waited for a while, then decided to go in. As we walked in, nobody really paid us heed. And we spoke to a staff member, who sullenly pointed at someone else who was hurrying over, obviously the host. We asked for a table, and get this: the moron told us with this uppity tone that we had to wait outside to be seated!! So we explained, "We waited, but nobody was there." And the fothermucker exclaimed, "I'm there!!" What a wuckfit!! We rebutted, "No, you were not!", and the hassole said he had to seat another table, and that we had to go back outside and wait.

Well, we weren't having none of that! So we left and headed to a Japanese restaurant instead. Apparently being a renowned restaurant means not caring if they're rude to their customers. Jeebus. Their loss, stupid buns of sitches! If they only knew how much we could eat!!

Ah well. Without further ado-do: enjoy the pics. Captions provided with the enlarged versions. Till next time!

Seven Is A Lucky Number, For Some

2011-08-29T18:15:00.000+08:00

In the midst of all the recent goings-on, I completely forgot that this month marked the seventh(!!!) anniversary of this blog! Oh mein gott! Can't believe I posted the first item on Aug 4, 2004. That, my friends, is cuh-raaazy!! So happy belated anniversary, (currently limited) Madcap Memoir followers! I'll be back soon to post up some overdue items from our recent Singypoo trip. Check back in soon! And don't forget to scroll down to check out my new demo, k? Cheerio!

We All Need Somebody To Save

2011-08-29T17:59:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone! Here's another sign of Nick's Falling Back Into Regular Mode: waking up at 530am to write a song! Heheh, yes, it happened this morning. Woke up, sat at the computer and churned out lyrics for a song from my musical The Edge.

I've been reworking the script in recent days (the third major rewrite, which will hopefully be the last major rewrite!), and over the past three years since the 2008 workshop production, I've been struggling with the character of April, who didn't seem to have much inter-connectivity with the other characters and didn't seem to serve a purpose in the overarching story of the suicidal boy and how it impacts on those around him. But recently, I've come to realise: April's isolation and outsider's perspective is precisely her purpose as a character. Death and tragedy draw you in, even if you're not directly involved. And once I got that in my head, it was clear what her point is as a character. And so I've been able to rewrite the libretto accordingly with these new ideas.

So here's something exciting: a brand new demo from an upcoming Nick product! This is the song I wrote at 530am this morning, titled Somebody to Save, sung by April. The melody is partially brand new, and partially derived from a throwaway tune that was used in the workshop production. I'm much, much happier with the way that melody is being used now. This, I feel, I hope, will be a show-stopping moment in the second half of the show. Without further ado, here it is, recorded literally an hour ago today, with my vocals (oy) and lyrics (first draft) below. Enjoy!!

APRIL:

Some people talk about me from a distance.

“She is nothing. She’s nobody. She’s just— there.”

So I’m finding an incentive for my existence by showing that I care.

Some people hate that person in the mirror.

But I never thought I’d have that point of view.

Still, I’m searching for a way I might be freer by doing what I do.

Maybe if I helped you— played two roles: your saviour, your slave.

Maybe I’d find my way! So I seek somebody to save.

How I need somebody to save.

I know some people think that I’m a mess. True,

I guess, perhaps, they just don’t have a clue

How it feels to want to come to someone’s rescue…

For what else can I do?

There’s a reason I put everyone above me.

See, I’m not pretty. I’m not smart. I just… make do.

But perhaps I could find someone who would love me

If I keep doing what I do. Wouldn’t you?

“April, serve a purpose.” In my mind, these words are engraved.

Trust me, I’m not being brave, I just need somebody to save.

We all need somebody to save.

Some people disagree. “You’re all right the way you are.”

That is what they tend to say.

But here’s where they don’t see I wanna be more than okay.

I’m striving every day! I’m gonna find my way,

On this path I pave.

We’ve all one foot in the grave! Don’t we need somebody to save?

We all need somebody to save!

It’s my creed, somebody to save.

Yes, indeed, somebody to save!

OMG It's The Worst News Ever!

2011-08-26T14:37:00.002+08:00

Here's a bit of a time-waster. In the midst of talking to little Jo, we discussed, among other things, Supernatural, a.k.a. my favourite TV show. And we began to discuss the two lead dudes' relationship (good friends). Naturally, Nick's uber-creative mind went into drama mode: "What would happen if they had a fight in real life?"

Which led me to write this faux report, spontaneously, in our chat window, which Jo thought I should blog since it sounded so real, and also as a reminder of why, perhaps, I should explore creative and journalistic writing again, arf arf. Anyway, sorry if this bores you non-SPN fans (Season 7 in September, y'all!).... but, y'know, it's like coming out has turned me to a giggly fangirl, LOL. When you think about it, the truth has been in front of your face all this time: how many straight men publicly proclaim love for Supernatural over and over again??? :P

Here's my spontaneous "news report":

A  behind-the-scenes dispute has set gossip mills churning over a  potential shutdown of Supernatural following repeated feuding between  the leads, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.

"It's  so sad and we're filled with sympathy and concern," says executive producer  and showrunner Sara Gamble. "For two best friends to be going through this kind of  conflict... we pray for the best that they'll resolve it."

However, insider sources claim the boys are being as professional as  ever when the cameras are rolling. "They do what they have to do, even  if it means heart-to-heart talks between the Winchesters," says one crew  member. "But once the director yells 'Cut', we see ice forming on the  walls."

Fans have been active in voicing their deep concerns over the future of  the show, and, especially, of the relationship between Ackles and  Padalecki.

"We've seen them grow from strangers and colleagues to being  best friends, virtually real-life brothers," says one fan, Nicki. "We're  hoping they'll make amends, soon. A loss of friendship of this  magnitude would be tragic... Apocalyptic."

I'm Out! I'm Out Of The Closet! ~ Harry Solomon, "Third Rock From The Sun"

2011-08-22T11:10:00.001+08:00

Yo, everybody. Jeebuz, what a whirlwind weekend!! Mum, Terry and I headed down to Singypoo where we caught The Lion King musical onstage. I'll post more about the trip later, but right now, all I want to say is that I'm feeling a buoyancy that I've not experienced in a long, long time, and while I'm kinda nervous to hope this feeling will be permanent, I believe a huge part of it is the weight of my mind/chest to have finally, finally, told one of my parents about my being gay. Yes, sirree, as of August 21 2011, Mum officially knows. We had a long heart-to-heart over lunch at the food court (of all places, oy vey!), which started from a discussion over dad's financial woes, leading to talk of dreary futures and depression, leading to A Large Factor Of Why Nick Is Depressed. And the funny thing is, I didn't even have to say the words. Okay, here's the gist of how the conversation went:

After lengthy emotional discussion on the future.
Nick: Actually there's one more thing I should tell you.
Mum: What now?
Nick: But... you might be really shocked or disappointed.
Mum: Tell me la.
Nick: Um.You know how I've always said I'll probably never get married?
Mum: Uh-huh. I think I can guess what it is.
Nick: What?
Mum: You like "the same".

Cue long pause.

Nick: Perhaps.

No, I jest, I didn't say "perhaps". Heh. We went on to discuss, among other things: how long I've known; how being gay growing up made me perpetually hate myself for being "this way" and being confused at God for making me "this way"; whom among my friends know; Mum asking if I was gay or bisexual without actually using any of those terms; Nick finally saying, "Mum, I'm a gay man" and Mum saying, "Okay lah."; The Story Of Follow The Light And The American; and Should We Tell Dad? ("Let's just leave it for now," Mum reckons. "One step at a time.") All of this in abbreviated note form, of course.

The underlying summary is: Mum says "life is short. Be happy." And she said in these exact words: "You have my full support." Wow. Who knew my Mum was so cool and liberal and open-minded? I said, partially in jest: "Aiyaaaa if I had known I would've told you years ago!", but she said wisely that perhaps a few years ago she might not have been able to accept it so well. Good point. All the episodes of Brothers & Sisters have indeed helped. (Speaking of TV shows, at one point I said, "Mum! Open your eyes! I love Supernatural. Do you know how many straight guys love Supernatural??!" Heh.)

Anyway I'll write more when I can gather my thoughts and when I'm not so emotionally wrung-out, but in a good way. Plus, I don't think the full impact of what I've done, this milestone, has really sunk in yet. In a way it was almost anti-climactic, the way Mum was so cool about it. Like, I expected a bit more drama, perhaps because of the stories my other gay friends have told me about the times they came out. When I remarked on this, Mum said, "What you expect me to do?! Pull my hair out?! Disown you?! You think this is Korean soap opera ah?!" Best quote of the day. Of the week. Of my life.

Okay, so in conclusion Mum and I made this decision. In her words: "Okay, now that it's off your chest, let's make a change. Don't need to be sad or depressed. Start altering your future. Go out, meet people, and if you find someone, so be it. Just take care of yourself and be happy." So that's the plan, folks. From this day forth - well, from yesterday - I feel, perhaps, that a new chapter has begun. Like I said, today I've woken up feeling incredibly optimistic in a way I've not felt for a long, long time. And while yes, it's early days yet and my dad and brother still don't know, telling one parent has been remarkably freeing. I can only hope and pray it'll all be uphill from here. In the meantime, all I can do is just keep looking ahead with positivity, knowing that yesterday just might have been the first day of the rest of my life.

Cuteness Alert!!!

2011-08-12T15:37:00.001+08:00

Portraits of Ashley in deep contemplation...

...before snuggling into her favourite patchwork blanket for a much-needed snooze.

Public Enemy #1

2011-08-10T15:27:00.001+08:00

Ten days after the Great Shave...

Babies and Baldies

2011-08-01T22:19:00.000+08:00

Awww, found an old photo of my dear doggy Jodie as a cute little puppy-dum!

And to contrast that with shock value, here's another pic of me and my latest haircut:

Oy, what an egghead!

Nyaaa Nyaaa! Baldy Baldy!!

2011-08-01T20:31:00.000+08:00

Today I decided to do something I'd been thinking of doing for weeks now. So may I present... da-da-da-dumm!!! ... Nick's new look! Arf!! Not entirely sure what I think of it yet, as it's far too new... so give me a few days to get used to it and I'll decide if it's something I wanna keep. On the plus side, though, at least I know I've got a relatively rounded head. Oy.

What do you think??

Catch-Ups and If I Could Take His Place Redux

2011-07-31T19:16:00.001+08:00

Hey all. Interesting couple of days. First off, had lunch with The Nut Graph team today, at a restaurant near the premises of our old office, where I had the most sinfully delicious jalapeno pork burger, mmm-mmmm!! Here's a pic from my mobile phone, and I'll also post a pic or two of the team at lunch as soon as I have 'em.

Nummy nummy!

Also, on Friday, I met up with dear ol' Josie from Perth, and we had a lovely catchup at the nearby Starbucks. Her man Trevor was also in attendance, and all in all, it was a good time, albeit much too brief, considering the last time all three of us met up was back in Christmas 2009. Wowee. It was a simpler and thinner time then...

Finally, I leave you with some more music. Here's a live recording from all the way back in 1998, when I performed my churchy song If I Could Take His Place in a concert, complete with live string quintet. Unfortunately the audio's pretty poor as it was ripped from analog audio cassette which in itself had low-quality audio to begin with. Plus, the microphone was set up in the middle of the concert hall, which meant it captured all the ambient noise, and was more sensitive towards the violins and strings, which means the main melody by the singer (whose name I can't recall) is frequently drowned out. But anyway, here it is:

...and you can compare it with this demo I'd recorded last month (which I've blogged about before):

Okies then, that's all for now. Till next time...

Of Songwriting, Semi-Finals and Snow Angels

2011-07-29T13:22:00.001+08:00

Remember my song Snow/Angels? You must; it's a bittersweet one for me. Scroll downwards in this older blog post and you'll recall why. Well, here's the sweet part: it's won a semi-finalist placement in the US-based Song of the Year competition. Unfortunately I don't think it comes with any prizes (as far as I've been informed), but hey, it's an accomplishment anyway. Here's a screenshot of the page they created for me, which you can also view here:

And you can listen to the song below:

You said, “Come follow me. I’ll lead you safely through this winter storm.”

I said, “Give me a sign that I may believe.”

And so you followed through. And so I followed you.

But the questions still remain; they flood and flurry in my brain:

What am I to do? Have I been a fool for blindly trusting you?

Blindsighted by this doubt, I try to find my own way out.

So I close my eyes, trying to deny every single sign—

But how can I turn away when snow falls out of season?

How can I run away from angels in my sleep?

How to explain away these things beyond all reason?

Snow/angels. Snow/angels. Snow/angels.

You say, “I’ll be your guide. I will reveal just where you’re meant to be.”

I follow hopefully.

But frequently I find my spirit willing, but my mind wondering

Who I’m meant to be. Where am I to go? Are you really in control?

This blizzard in my head leaves me running blind, afraid;

So I close my eyes: easier to deny every single sign—

But how can I turn away when snow falls out of season?

How can I run away from angels in my sleep?

How to explain away these things beyond all reason:

Snow/angels. Snow/angels. Snow/angels.

Say Cheese!

2011-07-17T23:24:00.002+08:00

Ashley and Jodie enjoying a lazy Sunday.

Countdown

2011-07-17T12:09:00.001+08:00

Yay, got one of my (very) short stories published in the newspaper I work for, Selangor Times, this week. Check it out:

Mm. Bop.

2011-07-10T06:57:00.003+08:00

I'm still here! :) Updates soon. Not like there's much to update about, apart from noble and ignoble craziness taking place in this screwed-up country. Sigh. Anyway, as you can see, there's only one blog post on this page for now. That's because I've decided to "archive" the previous posts, specifically the issue-related ones, i.e. remove them off the first page so that they're not wholly visible at first glance. I'll reinstate a full page of posts when there are enough posts for the issue-related posts to be pushed further down off the page. Did any of that make any sense? Meh, gimme a break, it's 7am and I'm sleepy. So I think I shall head back to bed on this Sunday morning. Tra la la. Write more later...

Floating, Sinking, Rising, Falling, Sneezing, Splashing

2011-06-28T23:29:00.002+08:00

Hey all. It's been a while. Nothing of great excitement has been happening, really. Took last week off from work to focus on writing my entry for this year's Short + Sweet Musical festival, and I'm happy to say it's done: script, music and lyrics, as well as a demo of all the songs that runs for approximately eight of the allotted ten minutes (which is good, because there's also dialogue in the script). Won't give too much away too soon, but I can reveal the title: it's called Float N'Sync: The Rise and Fall of the Bad Streak Boys. In case it's not too apparent, it's got a boy band theme. And to be honest, I'm recycling some of my music from a children's theatre show I did in Perth sometime back. Does anyone remember Everybody Loves A Boyband? Yes? No? Here's an edited demo recorded a couple of nights ago, in context of the ten-minute musical:

What else? Ummm. That's really it, I guess. I stopped the Prozac regime for a little while and realised that I still need it, so I'm back on it daily now, and I've been feeling much more optimistic about things in recent days. I think the fact that I was able to put together this ten-minute musical is a step forward in itself. Oh, and I should mention that I've decided to stop going to my current therapist – in fact, I kinda stopped cold turkey without even telling her, though I'm thinking I should at least inform her of my intention not to continue. The reason being, I'm thinking increasingly that it might be important for me to speak to a counselor or someone who's also well-versed in the religious side of things, so that I can bring the below-blogged God element into greater play in our discussions. Not that my current therapist has been closed off to it, but... I dunno. It seems weird to introduce religiosity into what is essentially a clinical psychology session. So I guess we'll see how things go from this point forth.

Also, following the below-blogged email to the American "against my better judgment", I've since received a reply from him. He didn't say too much because, as I suspected, what could he say? But he wanted to ask if he could share songs from FTL with his friends back home. He did mention, concerning the issues, that "I want to help, but I really don't know how". Which is more than fair. He added that: "I think people would be greatly moved by your music, Nick, and I would love to share it. I hope this isn't inappropriate." I think what I should be kinda positive about is that he clearly wants to continue to support my work despite all that's happened... and that he doesn't seem to have closed the door on a future friendship if ever that might be possible. And I'm kinda glad about that. I did tell him I wasn't ready to revisit FTL at this point though, so.... the FTL file-sharing that he was hoping for will just have to wait till a later date.

On another note: last night, at around 4am, I was awakened by sneezing from my mom's room. The weird thing is, it wasn't my mom's sneezing (Dad was away at work at the time) - rather, it was my middle-doggy Chloe, who, for some odd reason, had contracted a major sneezy fit and was sneezing in rapid succession for, I kid you not, almost 20 minutes. The poor thing! We couldn't figure out what had caused it... and when we looked at her nose, we saw it was crooked!!! (I subsequently realised it was because she was wrinkling her nose, the same way we humans would do when something's irritating it, which is why it looked odd on the end of her snout.) Anyway, from what I could figure out, something had gone up her sensitive nose and was causing a major case of the aaaah-chooos... but it sure was scary for a while there. I was almost prepared to drive her to the vet as in last year's instance of middle-of-the-night canine contingency. Fortunately it didn't come to that. Phew.

Finally, since we're on the topic of doggies, here are some pics of my puppy Ashley, who, my mom and I have discovered, is crazy about water. She kinda literally goes barking mad when she sees water, and tends to splash it around if it's in a container or chase after it barking if it's poured across the ground. Here are some pics of here having a splashing good time over the weekend... right before we gave her a bath. Till next time... enjoy.

Wheeeee.

Shake.

Allll wet.

If I Could Take His Place

2011-06-16T01:49:00.002+08:00

Here's an example of why I find it hard to let go of God and the idea that He had called me to serve Him through music. Check out this song below, performed by yours truly. I worked on the arrangements yesterday and recorded it tonight, but it was written 13 years ago in 1998 during the first of the personal "milestones" I mentioned in the previous blog post below. Here's the more compelling argument: that I find it hard to believe that two young men, just shy of turning 18, both without formal training in music composition or theology, could spare a few hours over one night and write this song without the work of some sort of divine inspiration. That, to me, doesn't make sense. There has to be something more. There has to be a bigger game plan here!

Or am I just fooling myself??

Either way, hope you enjoy the clip, despite having to put up with yours truly singing. No lyrics; try to listen and take the words in just by listening. Incidentally, this song was once used to reenact the Crucifixion in a church. Can't remember what year it was, but they performed it, even though some people have commented that we fictionalised a thing or two. It doesn't matter. I think the story, and the overall significance of the piece, remains. Okay, I'll shaddap now. Have a listen.

Good God

2011-06-16T01:28:00.001+08:00

Some people ask me why I keep pursuing God when this pursuit of God seems to be giving me more heartache than joy. I was thinking about this recently, in evaluating the way things have unfolded over the past few months, culminating in the (retrospectively perhaps humiliating) email that I sent to the American below. The thing is, all that I mentioned in the email is true: that we did start to believe that God had determined our paths should cross, and that He was playing a very active role in our lives. To what end, though?? I have no idea. Though I'm beginning to feel I'm on the cusp of some sort of understanding. Okay, cusp might be too generous a word. The understanding might be far, far off yet. But I think there's a a slight glimmer of one, somewhere on the distant, distant horizon...

After I sent the email, I did pray. And an image that came to my mind, whether or not divinely inspired, is that sometimes a weak structure needs to be knocked down so that a new, better, stronger structure can be built. But, as some of my friends remind me, what do all structures need? A firm foundation. And what's the firmest foundation of all? God. Supposedly.

Here's the thing. I spent more than 10 years writing songs for God. I wrote my first song (with Kevin Ong) in 1994, when we were both 14. We wrote it over the phone, and that song, For Me To Live Is Christ, has since been used in churches in Penang and in Perth, and for friends' weddings. For 10 years I believed that God had called me to serve in His music ministry. And somewhere along the way, there were signs: like an acquaintance who, during a prayer session, claimed she saw angels above me playing musical instruments. Oy.

More than ten years, and more than 50 songs for God. Not all of them were necessarily good. But the point remained: surely, surely I had been moved to write these songs by some sort of divinity. I'm finding it really devastating to think that I'd squandered all that time pursuing a "calling" that in fact wasn't meant to be. And right now, boys and girls, therein lies the dilemma: that with everything that's going on, it's really difficult to accept that God is real, and things are meant to be, and that this is all for a greater good, all this heartache and confusion and vulnerability and downright depression.

So I don't know. But let me share something else. That in the course of my starting to deal with my sexuality, I've had three major "love interests". I won't mention who they are, but the long and the short of it is, God - or at least the notion of God - was/has been present in all three. The first, in 1998, involved me finally confronting my feelings towards a guy and telling him during a Life in the Holy Spirit seminar, oy vey. 1998 was also the time I was struggling with life abroad in Sydney, during which I time I also conceived Follow The Light. I mention Sydney and FTL very specifically because:

Cut to 2005/2006. The next major love interest, in Perth. He was one of the people in Follow The Light back when it was staged there. Good heavens. Then there was this whole thing about me having to leave Perth and accept the fact that I had to come home. In the midst of all that drama, I received a message out of the blue from my cousin Shaun, who claimed God had told him to tell me to "hold on to Him and He will take you on the ride of your life". Shaun also quoted a message from the Bible: "I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future". I blogged about this back then here.

Cut to: 2010/2011. Wouldn't you know it, the third love interest. The American. What recurring themes do we have? Follow The Light. The struggle with "being where I need to be". The questioning of whether God has a plan for me. And, interestingly enough, sometime back in February that same cousin emailed me and said: "I'll repeat the message I shared with you all those years ago." And he repeated that exact same Bible quote. In the meantime, I had been given a book about discovering God's purpose, and wouldn't you know it, I'd received that exact same book in 2005 when I had to leave Perth. Odd coincidences, no??

The point is: it's really, really odd that the three major times of emotional turmoil in my adult life have all involved the same elements: the questioning of God's role in my life, the need to be happy being who/where/what I am, and... Follow The Light. Is that the message? Follow The Light? Who's the light? God. Jesus. Three major milestones, and in each case: Follow The Light. Am I reading too much into this? Or is there a very, very clear point, a very distinct message here?

I don't know. All I know is, I'm still thinking about shaky foundations and weak structures needing to be torn down so that stronger structures can be rebuilt. I'm still unwilling to believe that I spent a third of my life composing music for a deity that doesn't exist, or worse, doesn't want me to love Him or glorify Him. And it's becoming increasingly harder to believe that this crazy situation that I've been in these past few months have been but a series of random happenstance. Surely there's a bigger plan at work here. And I'm hoping that's really a glimmer of understanding on the far-off horizon, and not just a mirage borne out of desperation and thirst – something that's simply not there.

Probably Against My Better Judgment: Another Email to the American

2011-06-12T17:46:00.001+08:00

Hey man. I know I said there'll be silence from me from now on, but I guess I lied.

Messages

I just found a podcast online of a sermon you gave at the church in Puchong in April. I don't know why, but today I felt the urge to Google your name. Don't know why I did it, but I came across that podcast. And it hurt to listen to it, to hear your voice, but I did, all 25 minutes of it. And though the stuff you talked about has nothing (much) to do with our situation, this is what's going through my mind at this point:

That if you recall, somewhere along in our discussions, we began to get convinced that our friendship was willed by God.
That FTL had to happen at this particular time, and you had to be part of it, so that our paths could cross, because God determined it.
That we had so much in common, including the whole depression and similar-personalities thing, that this has to be more than coincidence.

Do you still believe that?

Today, after the long silence between us, after that brief chat and the couple of online messages/email I sent, I'm sitting here on this lovely Sunday afternoon, thinking, ruminating still, wondering what the point of all this was. And I know it's hard for either of us to provide any answers, but I'm just... flummoxed, I guess. By several things:

By the scope of which all this happened. This has been surprisingly, and inexplicably, debilitating for me. The fact that despite how little time we actually really spent together, there's an intensity of feeling I have toward you, made worse and not better by our "friendship break". Like I said, man, I've thought about you literally every day since December. And it was worse when May came and went, and I didn't know if you'd stayed or left. And that made me wonder even more about you every day, to the point that I had to get in touch with you just to be sure.
By what I actually want from you - a friendship? We had that. More? I know I can't have that. So what do I want? I don't know.
By why this had to happen to begin with. Is God trying to test me? Fix me? Was this something for you to learn from? Or did God want both of us to learn something through this?

I feel this is majorly unfair - to me and especially to you - because this is something neither of us signed on for.

Anger

See, I'm angry. Really angry. Angry that FTL, which should have been one of my proudest achievements so far, is now a source of hurt for me because it reminds me of the time we spent together.

They say if you wanna get over someone, then remove the things that remind you of him/her. But what happens if the things that remind you of a person are the things you were once so passionate about??

I look at the keyboard, and it reminds me of you.
I try to write a song, and it reminds me of you.
I listen to music, or try to write a new musical, or plan to go to the theater, or even think of listening to a Broadway cast recording and it reminds me of you.
I watch TV or read a book and someone has a similar accent, or they say or show New York City or North Carolina or Vermont - for heaven's sake!! - and it reminds me of you.
I try to pray, and wouldn't you know it, that reminds me of you.

So how do I not think of you? I know I don't willingly want to. But all these things - what used to be normal, familiar, routine, comforting even - now triggers off thoughts and feelings.

I've been angry - more enraged - about this entire situation, which meant i've been angry at you by association, even though none of this is your fault.

You inspired me, Justin. You really did. I mean, I listen to something like Snow/Angels which I wrote after our last real-time chat at KLCC, and I wonder, where the hell did this come from? And now I can't listen to it anymore.

Rightyo. So I feel like:

God made me meet this guy with whom I had so many things in common. Not just the arts and music stuff, but also this passion for God Himself, which had been fading within me.
And through meeting you, these passions began to grow again: a renewed passion for the arts and music, a renewed passion for God.
And from all this passion, which seemed almost as if it had been God's intention, grew a different sort of passion - one motivated by inappropriate emotion.
So it's like God said, "You need a morale boost, nick, here's someone who can help you"... and so he made our paths cross ... and then he said, "Okay now that you feel good about yourself, how about feeling really, really shitty??"

Well okay then.

The question is: did God really have a hand in all this? Or is this all just fucked-up little ol' me??

Just Keep Coming Back For More

You asked me why I kept coming back to God even though I struggle with being gay. And I gave you an answer: Because I feel like my Soul longs for Him, but my Body and Mind aren't strong enough. Because I feel like God speaks to me through music, and has been for a long time.

Because I want to believe God loves me and wants what makes me happy in spite of my sexuality.

And this, our situation, Justin, captures the struggle in quite a profound way:

I'm gay, and that has made it difficult for me to be friends with someone I consider to be a great guy (that's you).
I'm gay, which has made me it incredibly difficult to reconcile my sexuality with being Christian. And you, too, were struggling with Christianity, though for a very different reason. :)
I'm gay, and yet God introduced me to this great guy, who helped me reexamine what it means to be Christian, who helped me become more confident in my music and who inspired me to write more music, through which, as I've mentioned above, I once believed God speaks to me.
And all this is resonating within me right now in a very confused, hurt and heartbroken way. Like, WTF, God??

I wish I could know for sure if God really wanted this to happen His unknown purposes. Because I'd hate to think he was putting us through this for nothing - or worse, that He isn't even real.

Grace

In my anger about the whole situation, I've stopped praying to God and starting blaming Him, and subsequently cursing him, and then denying Him. Because, let's face it, it's just easier that way. And yet, God help me, I sat through your entire sermon. Partly because it was you delivering it. Partly because I wanted to hear what you had to say. Partly because I wondered if God would tell me something, move me in some way, through that sermon.

It did. He's moved me to say all this to you.

I know you can't provide answers. I know you can't and shouldn't act as a balm to try to make me feel better, even though in all honesty a part of me wants that.

I feel majorly ripped off, that what seemed like a potential friendship and professional connection had to devolve in this fashion, taking all my passions with it.

But here are some further thoughts.

I don't want to be angry at you Justin. Because it's pointless and undeserved.
I don't want to be angry at God, either. Though I know God's big and gracious enough to handle it.
Most of all, I don't want to be angry at myself anymore. For ruining this, our potential friendship, our potential working relationship. And for consistently being so vulnerable in front of you, and then feeling foolish in retrospect, which makes my brain blame me repeatedly for being stupid, stupid, stupid.

In your sermon you talked about anger, and injustice, and letting go. I pray for the grace to do that.

I'll be honest, man, a part of me wishes I hadn't met you. I hope you understand what I mean by that, within context of all this - that I'm not saying that to be spiteful. And yet a part of me wants to believe that no matter how much I might have tried, I would still have wound up meeting you, because God wanted it.

Hope

You once said you feel like your faith as a Christian has led to musical theater being taken away from you. This isn't the same thing, but in a small way, that's what's happened here. I feel like my joys have been taken away from me.

The thing is, Justin -

if God took your passions away from you to test you and make you a better Christian...
if he made you cross paths with someone the likes of me in order to challenge you and make you grow in faith,...

...might he be doing the same to me right now?

Isn't there something about the refiner's fire? Gold being put into the flames to be purified or something like that? Might that be the case here?

I don't know. And I know you don't know. Only God knows. But I can hope.

I hope one day He helps me (and you, if you're still invested in this after all this) understand.

Forgiveness

I think a large part of why I can't move on is because of the amount of blame I place upon myself for all this. You might have noticed, since December, each time I spoke to you, I apologized. And i'm going to do it again. I'm sorry. But the time has come for me to stop apologizing, and stop placing blame on myself, and feeling angry at myself.

I remember something you mentioned in an online chat sometime back: that there is "boatloads of grace" here.

Do you still believe that?

I'd like to. But before I can surrender to grace, I need to reconcile. With you, with God, and with myself. (And also, somewhere along the way, my erratic behavior because of all has caused me to hurt others, including the loss of another close friendship, but that's another story altogether. So reconciliation with others I might have hurt along the way.)

I'm sorry, Justin. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.

I'm going to try to pray tonight. For grace, hope, and forgiveness. And I think your little sermon might've helped me reach this mustard-seed of faith. (See what I mean by how you inspire me? Damn you!) *smiles sadly*

You once said to me, "God uses you." I believe He uses you, too. And I hope that keeps you going in your pursuit of God.

Thank you for the sermon.

Thank you for never slamming the door, as it were, in my face. I hope you don't slam the door in my face after reading this.

God bless you, always.

The Last Letter

2011-06-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

So at 630am this morning, I woke up with those thoughts in my head again. And then, in a moment of sheer brilliance and stupidity, I added the American to my online chat list, saw he was online, and actually initiated an online chat. Yes. The long and the short of it is, there's been some sort of closure, at last, achieved, and I hope to the heavens that it was the right step to take. He didn't say very much, though one thing he did mention was this: "What can I say that will be helpful right now?" It sounds a bit cold, I know, but I get it: in context, what could he say, when I was telling him all these rather emotional things in an attempt to move forward with my life? Wow.

We ended the chat and I tried to go back to bed because it was, like 7am, while he had to go for dinner, which pretty much explains away whether or not he's still in Malaysia. Just a few minutes ago I sent him an email titled Final postscript (I promise), and I wrote this. I'm going to blog this because a) only a selected ~~unfortunate~~ privileged few of you can access this blog at this point (who knows what's going to happen when we move away to more general, public-readable topics?), and b) I'd like a record of this email but would like to delete it off my email account so that his contact details aren't saved. I've removed his name, though, to protect his (and my, to some degree) privacy. So here we go:

Hey man,

Just a couple more thoughts that I didn't think to say earlier because I was either overwrought (damn my melodrama!) or too sleepy (damn those global time differences!). I probably don't need to say these things, but I fear if I don't I'd probably just replay them over and over in my head wishing I'd said 'em to ya. Don't worry, this won't take long. Without further ado:

i) I'm sorry that your final days in KL were rough, as you said. I don't want to make sweeping assumptions about your overall experience in KL and how much it met your expectations or otherwise, but I gather it wasn't smooth-sailing all the time. The last thing I'd want, though, is for the stuff that transpired between us to add any sense of negativity to your time here: like, "This happened, and that happened, and oh yea, there was this guy...!" :))) I really hope that whatever your memories of KL, whether positive or not-so-positive (and without intending to disregard the significance of your life in KL beyond yours truly), that the time we did share as friends, or my attempt at being friends, alone or in a group situation are memories you'll retain fondly.

ii) I'd like you to know this: when I told you I want to make a friendship work between us, I sincerely meant it. And by that, I mean, I really thought and believed I could do it, and I wanted to do it. Unfortunately that belief = denial = self-detriment. But I really did want it to work, dude, and I sincerely never wanted to make any appropriate moves to jeopardize any opportunity we had at building a friendship. However, at the risk of waxing sentimental, my mind believed it, but my heart didn't, I guess. And then the heart started conflicting with the mind, and it was a downward spiral from there. Oy. (Hark! Do you hear that solo violin play as I break out into a heart-wrenching lament about unrequited love?!) :)

iii) I do think about that first day when we met after Short + Sweet Musical, and that day we first chatted over lunch (spaghetti?? in Malaysia?? what were you thinking??) --- how uncomplicated it all was. And it still bums me out that we couldn't follow through on that (or at least I couldn't). But as you mentioned when we chatted online earlier, who knows, this might all be temporary, and sometime in the future we might be able to pick up this friendship the way it was meant to be. (Caveat: Even as I type this, I'm aware that even harboring these hopes right now comes from a place of emotion. But that can't be helped, unfortunately, at this point.) If there's a lesson for me to learn here, it's about how to relate to other people, how to recognize any tell-tale signs of more-than-friendshipness, how to think, act and react accordingly, and how not to think, act and react. And also how to appreciate people for who and what they are, and all that they have to offer. These are valuable, if painful, lessons that will serve me well in the future. Hopefully that future will involve you back in my life as my friend (see Caveat above). And if your faith in God is as strong as it's been since we last chatted in real-time (mine isn't, but I'll deal with that), then yes, let's leave it in His hands. Que sera sera.

And finally:

iv) I wasn't kidding when I said all this might end up in a theater play or musical sometime. So when that NickChoo production arrives on Broadway, look out, xxxxxx!! Working titles: Choo On This. Or more likely, WhatCHOOWant?!

:)

That's it, for real this time.

Thanks for your continued patience, understanding and support, xxxxxx. Please look after yourself OK?

Take care man.

Sincerely, wistfully and affectionately,
~Nick

Peek-A-Boo

2011-06-06T19:50:00.000+08:00

Current mood: Melancholy. But, to distract myself, here are pics of my lovely doggy Ashley, who isn't home right now because we've sent her to the vet's to be spayed, and now the house is super quiet and Chloe, who has been pretty much bullied by Ashley since the pup's arrival, is having a lovely time reclaiming her space. It's just temporary, Chloe. She'll be back...

Anyway, here are pics of Ashley, as well as a couple of video clips I discovered in my mobile phone taken when she first arrived in September last year. The weird barking sound in one of the clips is me, trying to get her attention. Arf arf. Enjoy.

Younger days:

Depression/Therapy Blog Post #5: Can I Just Kill Myself Already Please?

2011-05-29T14:00:00.003+08:00

1:50pm, 29th May. Fucking pissed off. Had lunch with parents again, which was as fucking joyous as ever. Passive and active aggression. It was just as bad last night: I asked the old man if he could please return my RM800 that he'd borrowed, and he said he couldn't because of his fucking money problems. It's always money problems. Apparently he's spent, like, a hundred and ten grand on NOTHING. He's got fucking debt up to his fucking eyeballs and he's too fucking arrogant to seek help about it, or to even FUCKING TALK TO HIS FUCKING FAMILY ABOUT WHY HE'S IN SUCH FUCKING DEEP SHIT. Which pisses the old woman off, and then she comes and bitches to me about how miserable she is and how frustrating it is living with an old man like him. So because of last night, they got into silent-treatment mode all over again. FUCK.

So today after being mostly silent at lunchtime, they come home and get into another argument just because the neighbour parked his car too close to our driveway. At which point the stupid old man stormed upstairs, leaving the old woman bitching to me as always, using me as an outlet to vent the ridiculously petty problems that neither one of them wants to talk about and try to resolve. At which point I lost my cool and told her to fucking talk this out and try to resolve it: "You have 20 more years of living together, and this is how you want things to be?" And then I snapped and told her that I'm on fucking medication and going to fucking therapy because of all this negativity in my life, and I just don't need it. I just don't fucking need it. "You're so goddamn concerned about your other son's physical health, but you don't give a shit about my mental health!" Yup, I said it. Not quite as crassly, but the anger was there.

The thing about being in a negative state around my folks is that I inevitably start feeling depressed and that leads, fucking hell, to thoughts of the American and how pathetically I've failed as a friend and as an artist. Then I start thinking about how lonely I am, with no friends, and I just want to fucking bash my head against a brick wall. Let's see who my friends are: Terry. Debra. If I'm generous, Phaik Leng. There's Judi and Berni and Jo and gang, but they're far away. So that's it. That's it, isn't it?? Where the hell is my social circle? Why do I not have one? Is it because I can't stand being in a group with people seemingly content with their lives, successful and happy?? Is it because my current state means meeting new people is hard because I've got to put up a brave front, as I did when I did that gig with Rozz a few weeks ago? Is it because I'm too stupid to engage people in meaningful conversation? Fuck this shit.

So now I'm in my room, angry, and the stupid old man's in his room, and the old woman is downstairs, and I'm wishing my life was something different, somewhere else. Or just fucking over. I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit. At 31, I hate my life. At 31, I'm single, alone, and tied to my fucking parents' fucking apron strings. There are people younger than I am, happily married, with kids, and here I am. There are people who are out partying every other night and having a great time, and me? I've got two fucking friends. Two. I spent Friday and Saturday night in my fucking bedroom with my dog. What the hell's the matter with me? What the hell has gone wrong with my fucking life?

Depression/Therapy Blog Post #4

2011-05-27T14:37:00.002+08:00

2:30pm, Friday. Mood: Not too bad. Probably because I've just given Chloe a bath, which is as fun as it is tedious. Earlier today Ashley seemed to be in a pretty low mood, loss of appetite and such... but she seems better now. Jodie, of course, is Jodie: cheerful, protective, mature. Apart from falling into a shallow gutter yesterday during our walk (it was dark, and her eyesight isn't the best) she's no worse for wear, arf arf.

On Monday I did a bad thing: I lied to my therapist because I didn't feel like talking. What I should have done, of course, was to tell her the absolute truth: that I simply was too tired, mentally and emotionally, to talk about my problems that day. Instead I made up some story about my folks' car breaking down, blah blah blah. Naturally I'll be telling her about my faux pas. I think it's important, of all people, that she should know the truth about what's going on and what kind of mood I'm in on a particular day. So yea, that won't happen again.

Earlier today I was feeling a bit down, too. Apart from parents being parents again (interesting how consistently I begin to get down when I'm spending time with them), I began to wonder (again) if the American had left the country. And then I began to wonder, what if he's gone... and then he comes back, without me knowing? Not that it really matters whether or not he does come back and whether or not I know about it, but... I dunno. Something about that idea made me feel glum. I began to wonder what kind of projects I could put on at the end of the year or early next year so that if he does come back, I'd have something to impress him with. And then I began to think how silly that was, how irrelevant, how unimportant. I mean, why should I care what he thinks? And yet I do. I keep thinking back to that day last September when I met him for the first time after S+S Musical. How much easier it was, how unknowing I was that all this would transpire. If I'd known this was going to happen, would i have made sure we never went past that initial meeting stage? I dunno. Sigh. Live and learn. Keep moving on, Nick.

Anyway, fortunately I came home and Mum said something about giving Chloe a bath, and now I'm feeling marginally better, having been able to distract myself. Mum tried to groom Chloe's fur, but Chloe, being Chloe, didn't wanna stand still. Right now I'm semi-soaked, covered with dog fur, and should probably take a bath myself. Till later... bye.

Depression/Therapy Blog Post #3

2011-05-22T14:47:00.005+08:00

Mood circa 12:30pm: Having lunch with the folks, and feeling downright miserable. I think being in my parents' presence is detrimental to my mental-emotional health, because of how passive aggressive they are, non-communicative and downright pissed off at each other without either one wanting to say anything. All in all it creates a really negative atmosphere to be in, one which I don't believe is very helpful to my well-being at this time. So what's the alternative? Ignore them? Don't spend time with them? Or start talking to them about why this kind of negativity is not what any of us needs? Sigh.

My mind was filled with regret this morning. Regret at having turned down all the music-related stuff I have this year: not following through on the FTL cast recording; turning down Broadway Academy's choir musical direction; turning down songwriting for a fundraising CD recording; turning down music for children's theatre. And then I began to loathe myself and call myself useless all over again. And then, I thought about it further and realised that the reason I had to turn all of these things down was because of the timing of it all, the proximity to when this entire depressive state kicked into full-gear. And a major factor of it, of course, is the American. I need to purge him from my mental and emotional banks. But how can I do that when anything related to performing arts, and music, and especially FTL, triggers off thoughts of him?

So yes, with that in mind, it makes sense that I had to turn these offers down. I need, as a priority, to figure out why the American has affected me so much, what root issues he somehow impacted on that made me end up in this state of less-than-positivity. And if dealing with these root issues also means trying to move forward away from thoughts and feelings for the American, then I also have to move away from things that would remind me of him. Unfortunately, these things are all the things that I was once so passionate about, that I once loved: all the music and theatre stuff. Sigh.

I'm still trying to deal with the fact that I don't have closure with regards to the American. I wish he'd email or call or something to let me know if/when he's leaving, if he hasn't already left. I wish I had the courage to be the person to pick up the phone and call, or just to leave him a message. But I can't help to wonder, what if he's happier without me in his life? What if, by contacting him, he goes, "Ah shit, the nutcase is back, just when I thought he was gone for good"?? Which leads me to this train of thought: Why do I assume this to be the case? Why can't I believe, as some of my friends have proposed, that he was sincere in believing in our friendship, that he really did want what was best for me by proposing this "friendship break"? (And just in case you missed it the first time around, I now believe we're not on a friendship break. A friendship break implies a friendship existed to begin with, which it clearly didn't, not from my majorly infatuated point of view, at least.)

See, even as I type this, I'm beginning to feel sad again. Which makes me resent the situation, and by association, resent him. When I really don't resent him, of course; rather the opposite, but the opposite is detrimental. The memories I have of him, however few, are mostly positive. The real problem is how much importance I've come to place on these memories - how much meaning I've infused into them, romanticised, for a lack of a better word. Which makes me sad. Which makes me hurt. Let's put it another way: I don't think about the memories I have with the other people in the FTL band. Not because I don't care about them, not because they don't mean anything to me, not because I don't value the time we shared, their talents, their friendships. But because of exactly that: we're friends. And in friendships, we don't romanticise. We don't place unnecessary "weight" on the meaning of the times we've shared. It'll always remain. And when a friend goes away, overseas for example, the friendship doesn't end, and both of us automatically knows that. So what does this mean in the case of the American, that none of these friendship-rationalisations seem to apply? Naturally, I'm now at the point where I'm deciding that I'm better off not thinking about all this. Just move on. But is moving on a form of not dealing with it? Do I have to keep thinking about all this in order to deal with it? Jeesuz, can I please have a break from thinking? From feeling? From dealing?

Let's get back to the music stuff. So now what? I'm still doing some musical work - a gig here and there, a couple of weekend classes, developing my next musical project - but maybe what I need now, ironically, is to focus further on me, and not less: i.e. drop everything else music-related, focus on my project, try to heal. Because the project I'm working on is cathartic to me. It helps me channel the angst, the anger, the hurt, the confusion. Everything else does not.

I've previously suggested that delving into my own projects might be a way of me to avoid dealing with the issues I need to confront. But surely this time it's different, not when there's therapy involved, when there's a conscious realisation that I'm trying to work things out, and that working on my project is a way for me to remain attached to my world of music and theatre without getting so negatively affected by the memories and associations it conjures. So maybe that's one step. Or maybe it'll just lead me round in circles again. I just don't know.

The bottom line is, I've got to stop blaming myself for turning down the abovementioned offers. Yes, I let people down by saying I'd take these projects on, and then bailing. But at the end of the day, the timing wasn't right, and I think I have to believe that I made the right choice here. Otherwise I'll perpetually be in a state of regret and resentment, and that's not helpful. I've got to stop telling myself that I turned these jobs down because I didn't feel good enough. It isn't that I'm not good enough, that I'm not talented, that I'm incapable. Instead, I have to recognise that these things were triggering off associations with the American, which in turn were triggering off negativities associated with the issues that he somehow impinged upon. I need to keep telling myself this: The timing, sadly, wasn't right. A year ago, two years ago, if these offers had come my way, I would've leapt at the chance, jumped for joy. This year, it's all glass half empty. And so hopefully I've made the right choice declining these opportunities for the sake of improved well-being. Before I can even start considering taking on these kinds of tasks, I need, first and foremost, to find a way to make the glass half full.

Flashback to The Last Day, 21st May 2006

2011-05-21T20:18:00.004+08:00

Prayer Before The Rapture

2011-05-21T18:15:00.005+08:00

Dear God,

I would like to know, what was the point of my creation? Why did you let me grow up in a so-called "religious" family? What was the point of inspiring me to write so many church songs, close to 100 or more of them, only to have none of them used in any real significant way? Why make me talented, if in so many years, this talent is not being put to use? Why is it whenever I try to ignore you, reject you, something in me doesn't quite believe it, and I keep coming back to you? What makes my soul yearn for you so desperately, to the point of tears, while my mind gets constantly filled with anger and frustration at the idea that I'm chasing after you but you don't seem to be interested in my devotion? Why make me gay, when so many other gay men out there are comfortable with themselves, and happy, and yet here I am, alone and uncomfortable and sad? Why make me this unattractive and unlovable in the eyes of other men, when all I really want is to be loved, and to love, and to be acknowledged, and appreciated, and accepted for who and what I am? Why make me cross paths with people like the American, and make me believe it was for a bigger purpose, when all it has brought is pain and heartache? Why send me overseas at a young age, make me believe my future was to be elsewhere, only to send me back here and leave me stuck, five years later, without having a sense of progress, of achievement, of forward motion? Why allow others to move so far ahead of me while I watch, choking on their dust, watching their taillights fade into the distance, as I remain stuck in one spot, going round and round and round with no sense of breaking free from perpetuance? Is it because they believe in you more? Is it because they love you more? Is it because you believe in them more? Is it because you love them more? Or is it because they don't believe in you, and my belief is actually hindering my progress? Why are my parents always passive-aggressively bickering? Why is my family so goddamn dysfunctional and aggravating? Why put music in my life, and make it my passion, only to have it taken away from me through unrequited love and a broken heart? Why make me write stuff like Follow The Light only to have it become such a painful reminder of the dreams I had for it and the potentials it represented? Why make me believe I was made to be an instrument of your glory when I'm clearly not, when all I want to do day after day is pretend you don't exist and indulge in sin to spite you because really, nothing matters in my life right now? Why make me believe, full stop - in you, in other people, in love? On the flipside, why can't I believe in myself?

Dear God, if it's true that you're coming back and this is our last day on Earth, even if I don't get to go to heaven because I've not been good or worthy enough, could we please have a sit-down, face-to-face, heart-to-heart chat before you send me to wherever it is you send souls that are not good or worthy enough? Could you please grant me this? Because all I want to know, more than anything else, is what the entire point of me is.

Half A Decade Later, And We Descend Into Lunacy

2011-05-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

We're closing in on 21st May, which is a special day, and not just because it's potentially the end of the world. Nay, it's also because it'll mark exactly five years since I left Perth for this stupid land called Malaysia. Five years, folks. Five years, and what have I become? I don't think I shall allow myself to answer that question. But in anticipation of that big day – and just in case Jesus returns and there's no more opportunity to blog after tomorrow – here are some flashbacks to the past: the final days in Perth, five years ago.

from Thumbnails of the final days, posted 23 May 2006:

The Farewell Party - May 19:

Mark's Housewarming Party - May 20:

Check back in soon (God willing) for selections from the final day, May 21st. Till then.

Depression/Therapy Blog Post #2

2011-05-20T21:55:00.001+08:00

9pm, May20th. Was surfing the net and couldn't help but to check out the American's Facebook page again, against my better judgment. I can hear Judi yelling at me now as she reads this. Saw that he is a mutual friend of a guy who's also a composer-musician. The difference is, this guy is a successful composer-musician, and he's only been back in Malaysia for, like six months or something. And already he's been commissioned to write multi-million ringgit musicals. While I, the loser, have been stuck here for five years without getting anywhere. And this artiste is a devout Christian, much like the American, and he has studied in NY. So my gut reaction was... well, that punched-in-the-gut feeling. Resentment. Envy. Sadness. Something akin to loss, devastation, jealously, hatred, anger. What immediately went through my mind was this (and I'm blogging this because this is what the therapy log requires of me; it's called a 'dysfunctional thought record'): "No! No, no, no, no no! What if American forges/has forged a close friendship with successful composer? What if American gets involved in this guy's shows? What if American's opinions of me change now that he has met this successful composer? Then again, is American even staying or leaving? Is he even here still?" The American once said I was 'blessed' and that this country's lucky to have me (sic)... now that he has met successful composer, is this sentiment still true?

Then, because I'm supposed to reevaluate these spontaneous thoughts and emotions, my follow-up thoughts were these: "So what if American does these things? He has a right to be friends with anyone he pleases. Does it matter? What can I do about it, really?"

The final step of this exercise is to note down the outcome of having recorded these thoughts. Truthfully? I'm not sure what the outcome is. I'm still sitting here in front of the computer, fretting, feeling lost. And while I'm sure there are more effective and conducive things I could do to rectify the situation (which I'm going to discover during the course of therapy, I suspect), I'm going to walk away from this computer and force myself not to think about it. But before I do, here's why I was checking out American's FB page: I wanted to see if there was a way for me to get in touch with him, to have one final meet-up and chat for closure. But I wanted to call him rather than leave a FB message or email. So I was looking for his phone number, since I'd deleted it from my phone. Long and the short of it is, I decided to block him all over again. From FB. From email online chat, as I'd re-added him. I don't know what the point of this all is. Seeing him, not seeing him... does it make a difference? I don't know. Jeesuz. What a mess.

Depression/Therapy Blog Post #1 (Because The Therapist Wants A Log)

2011-05-18T12:34:00.004+08:00

May 17 and 18: Been thinking about the American a lot lately. Partially due to talking to therapist about him last Monday. But also with the realization that he leaves (I think) for home (permanently?) this month. Or sometime after this month. I don't know when he plans to leave, or if he's still leaving at all to begin with. What if he stays? What if he goes and doesn't say goodbye? If he stays, it means he would be within contacting proximity, and I'd rather not have that because it's always easier knowing the person is far, far, far away. It's easier if he goes. And yet how would I know if he stays or goes unless I ask him or ask people who know him? Neither of those options are palatable; if anything, probing into it would be counterproductive to whatever progress I've made moving forward. And yet, the thought of him leaving without making an attempt to contact me makes me sad. The thought of him contacting me makes me nervous as it would, again, negate my getting over it. And I'm certainly not ready to be the one to pick up the phone to call him, or to send him an email or whatever. So I'm in a real catch-22 here, unfortunately. I'm stuck. So I'm trying not to think about it, but I can't help but to think about it: the friendship that never materalized, the wasted potential, the early days when it was all so easy and enjoyable. Yet I realize how futile this all is: if we really were friends (which we're not, due to my neuroses), it wouldn't matter if he leaves or stays, or says goodbye or not, because friendship would remain regardless.

May 18, 12:30pm. Read a review of locally produced production Cabaret, and felt a surge of... something. Envy? Resentment? Sadness? Wistfulness? Why? I'm not entirely sure. The people involved are my friends, and I'm proud of them. Or at least, I should be. Even the friend with whom I had a major falling out, who claimed her pregnancy was stopping her from singing and yet was part of the show. Apparently she's a big fat liar, but that's my anger talking. Oh whatever. Maybe successfully staged productions make me believe that I'm incapable of successfully staging stuff. Which isn't true, surely?? Sigh.

I'm supposed to go away, breathe, allow myself some time to reflect, and come back to this blog post to see how I feel about what I felt at the time of writing. So let's see how I feel when I revisit this. Check back in again soon.

19th May, 1:33am. Okay, Facebook officially pisses me off. I was looking for a particular old message in the message archive when I came across a message I'd sent to the American. So I clicked on it, thinking it would lead me to what I'd sent so I could check it out and delete it. Stupid mistake. It led me to his Facebook profile, complete with latest pics and stuff. And I swear, you know you've got it bad for someone when one glimpse of the person makes you feel like you've been sucker-punched in the gut. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Now I feel a mix of nausea and immense sadness, like I just wanna cry. Why oh why oh why. We were supposed to be friends. Dammit. Dammit. I think I need to go to bed. :'(

Edited to add: Okay, feeling better now. Such is life. Just have to keep moving forward.

Lest I Forget...

2011-05-16T00:10:00.000+08:00

In the event that I start to believe I've been less than prolific:

January - Bali trip, recuperating after FTL.
February - Children's Theatre KL version.
March - Dealing with depression; started new job; conceived Blame.
April - Further development of Blame; commenced therapy; began packing up; weekend of Short + Sweet Musical Theatre Workshops.
May - Further development of Blame; moved back home; No Black Tie gig with Rozz; one-off children's singing workshop this weekend.
June?
July?
August?
Time will tell. And really, should it matter so much?

Popped My Cherry

2011-05-12T23:10:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone. It's been an interesting past few days. First off, over the weekend and on Monday I got together with some professional musicians and started rehearsing for my maiden performance at No Black Tie (NBT), this live-music lounge/restaurant/bar in Kuala Lumpur that's a favourite among artistes here. It wasn't "my" performance per se; I'd been roped in by my generous and very talented friend Llew to play the piano for an awesome singer named Rozz. See, Llew produces shows and concerts and the like, and I guess he figured it was time for me to lose my NBT virginity, arf. (And also because his usual pianist wasn't available, but let's not miss the forest for the trees, shall we? Heh.) So yea. That was pretty exciting stuff, meeting with new musicians and finally doing a live gig, which I've not done in this capacity since... well... ever.

The more exciting aspect about this show was that I've known about Rozz for a very long time, us having interviewed her for The Nut Graph sometime back. And here's the other great thing about Rozz: that she's a drag queen. Yup, you read right: she is really a he. But make no mistake, she is fabulous. And her voice is quite awesome, as the clips below will demonstrate! It was quite the privilege working for her (and Llew, whom I've been wanting to work with in this capacity for a while now; Llew was also the one who conducted the Short & Sweet Musical workshops I blogged about somewhere below), as well as to regain some of my musical footing and confidence (the guys I played with reckoned I should do more live gigs, and several people have said good things about my performance, which is very flattering and reassuring).

Most importantly, I think, in my process of healing, getting back into music is a positive thing, as dear Judi says, to create new memories that will take the place of older, more difficult ones. Music and theatre and all are still a bit of a raw nerve, but I think part of my mistake has been in trying to run away from these by turning down jobs and by avoiding going to shows and concerts; rather, I should immerse myself in it, reclaim what was once such a joy to me. It's going to take a while, and it's not going to be easy; heck, even last night while preparing to perform I was dogged by thoughts and feelings that threatened to drag me down (especially when Rozz's repertoire included songs about heartbreak and unrequited love, oy vey!), but I told myself to focus and just keep playing, just keep playing. Heh.

Anyway, I'm gonna leave you now with some photos from the gig last night as well as some clips of us in performance. Hope you enjoy. Till later... :)

Warming up

Rozz entertains the crowd

Nice to be in my element!

Rozz performs Somewhere from West Side Story (segment)

Rozz performs A Woman In Love

Special guest artiste, the crazy-talented Elvira Arul, performs All Is Fair In Love

My favourite song of the night: Rozz and Elvira perform Get Happy /
Happy Days Are Here Again

What Chew Want?!

2011-05-03T11:40:00.002+08:00

To make up for the lack of coverage on my doggies lately, especially little Ashley, who has grown significantly since we first adopted her, here are a couple of pics and a video. (See here for more pics of Ashley in her slightly younger days!) The pics are just of Ashley because she was the easiest to photograph, given her colour, arf. Chloe tended to disappear into the dim corner of the room. And Jodie was... well... downstairs. Outside. Awww. Heh.

Doggies making a mess

Home Sweat Home

2011-05-02T07:58:00.003+08:00

Hey all! Whew, it's been an exhausting weekend indeed. As previously mentioned, this was the weekend where I finally moved out of the apartment I'd been living in for the past two years, and moved back in with the parents. Oy vey, are they a tedious couple, my folks. Yup, don't get me started. It's been rather aggravating, but I'm going to take it all in stride with the constant self-reminder that I should count myself lucky to be able to move back home, and save money, and have my doggies around, and (best of all) get the master bedroom (formerly my parents') to myself since I need the larger space.

Yeah, blessings indeed, and I shall count 'em. Even though my folks' constant bickering and passive aggression threaten to drive me round the bend. I swear, at some point I'm liable to snap and use my therapy as a weapon: "This is why I need psychological help!" No, the folks don't know I'm spending close a thousand bucks per month on therapy and Prozac. If they knew, I bet it'd give their squabbles – predominantly money related – added perspective. But anyway, that's for another time...

So the past few days have been full on with moving and tying up loose ends, including clearing up the apartment and making sure it was presentable for the landlord when he came over to return me my security and amenity deposits. I was all prepared to loathe the guy, but he didn't turn out to be as bad as my initial impressions had painted him to be. So that was all settled rather amicably, even though I maintain it was ridiculous that he would charge me an increased rental price for the past couple of months, given that the increased price was based on the assumption that I would be renewing my tenancy agreement for another year at least. Since he was the one who wanted the apartment back and therefore nullified any potential new agreement that had yet to be signed, he really was ripping me off by nevertheless insisting I pay the increased rental rate and not the old price or a per-monthly-basis new amount. Grrr. Arrgh.

So I made that rather clear to him, I think, even though in the end I threw in the towel, not wanting to fight over a low three-figure amount. And I think he should count himself lucky: I was a damn good tenant, if I say so myself. I paid all rent and bills on time; I got a couple of cleaners to come in and do a bang-up job right before he came over on Saturday (the apartment ended up looking much better than when I first moved in!); and I took the trouble to touch up the little blemishes on the walls with paint. Count yerself lucky, foooo!! Anyway, all the monies have been returned accordingly, and all my stuff is out of there, and yesterday (Saturday) was the official last time I would have seen that apartment. Sigh. Good times.

Here's where I should mention that it's been quite a challenge indeed bringing most of my stuff back home. Because when you consider the number of things that accumulate over the course of two years, and when you consider that my apartment was entirely unfurnished to begin with... well, let's just say it really is a case of bringing an entire houseload of crap back to this house. But don't just take my word for it: let these photos speak for themselves. And if you're still not convinced, there's always the video of my (exhausted) guided tour of all the junk that I had to cart back (with some help from furniture movers) to this already-much-too-small terrace house:

Stuff

And more stuff

Guided tour of stuff

My dad and I had quite a fun time (read: sarcasm) hefting huge furniture items from the porch all the way up the stairs to the bedroom. Quite a workout, I kid you not. And now everything's aching, oy vey.

Anyway, I spent most of the day rearranging and sorting out stuff in my new room, a.k.a. the old folks' former bedroom. And while the layout is still very much a "work in progress", I'm quite pleased with what I've been able to do with it so far. Here are some sneak peeks of what the room looks like as of right now (with my doggy Chloe nosing about); still a tonne of stuff to join the mix, including my big-ass keyboard which is still lounging about in the back seat of my car (which, incidentally, is parked outside by the roadside, where any smart criminal could steal it. Yup, real clever of me, leaving studio-quality equipment out there. Hey, no biggie – it only cost me a low five-figure price three years ago, arf!). Here are the pics:

Ah well, that's about all for now, I guess. It's late and it's been a long weekend (figuratively and literally, since it's a public holiday tomorrow)... plus I'm not feeling entirely well, though I suspect it's mostly dust- and fur-inflicted allergies... so I'm gonna get into bed and watch some pre-snoozin' telly before hitting the sack. Till next time, folks... byebye for now.

Tick Tock

2011-04-28T23:31:00.001+08:00

We're approaching the second last day in the apartment. Friday.
And Saturday is the final day.

A new beginning awaits.
Back home with the dogs.
And the folks.
And the brother.
And the whiny kids who come over for classes.

Sigh.

Real Online Chat #1

2011-04-27T15:30:00.003+08:00

Blogging because a record of this might eventually come in handy.

Nick:

i can't believe i'm squandering so much potential earnings by turning down the music jobs

but

i don't think i should do it at the expense of my mental health

don't u agree?

please agree

i'm secondguessing (and third-guessing) myself

:(

Judi:

its hard for me to say nicky, only you can decide :/

but i am always of the opinion

of following my gut instincts about whether something is going to be good for me or not - regardless of what looks like the logical thing to do from the outside

Nick:

mmm

i guess

i dunno

it's a lot of money

but

it'll probably drive me nuts doing the music work

i dunno

oh shuddup nick

stop thinking and overthinking

i've got voices in me head

Judi:

if you don't feel comfortable doing the musical stuff at this time, then dont do it.

Nick:

that tell me i'm useless

and then another voice goes "no you're not nick"

and then a third voice goes "OH ALL OF YOU SHUT UP"

i think i'm going mad

:'(

ok i'm making it sound worse than it is

i know it's all me

but WHY. WHY ALL THIS SELF TALK

sigh

i'm just venting

Judi:

you need to be confident in yourself and your decisions

Nick:

but i'm NOT confident in myself

that's the problem

i can't make decisions

every decision i make, i second guess

and then i second-guess the second-guessing

yes,i have spoken to my therapist about this

arrggh

i just wish i wasn't this way

i look at someone like Terry who's going on holidays and parties practically every night and i resent it

i don't resent him, he's my best friend

i resent the fact that he's apparently happy

and enjoying his life at 31

and i'm just... sleeping at 7pm

wtf

Judi:

you need to stop comparing yourself to others

yeah i get what you mean

Nick:

i can't help it

Judi:

but as long as you dont have confidence in yourself

you'll keep doing it

Nick:

i don't feel i'll ever be successful, or beautiful, or desirable, or loved

so what's the point of planning for the future

Judi:

thats the thing, you only focus on what your NOT

Nick:

that's the thing isn't it

why??

Judi:

instead of embracing what you ARE

Nick:

:'(

why can't i see the positives?

Judi:

and take compliments people give you seriously

Nick:

i think it's because deep down, the things i'm not are the things i want the most

but that's the way with everyone, right?

i mean, a lot of the time, at least?

Judi:

but thats with everyone, yeah

Nick:

i want to be loved

i just feel like that will never happen

Judi:

we all want to be something were not

Nick:

i feel like god himself doesn't love me

Judi:

we want what others have

Nick:

xxxxx would probably say she's 30 and never been in a relationship

but she knows God loves her and nothing shakes that

but what happens if your fundamental belief in a loving God doesn't exist anymore either?

and you're getting into conflict with friends

and family

who don't seem to understand?

where do you go to then? :'(

oh bugger i'm spiralling

i should go eat

and try to snap out of it

:'(

Judi:

why do you think god doesnt love you?

that he loves everyone else in the whole world except you

Nick:

i don't know

i just feel betrayed by him

i don't know why

because i feel like my life sucks

and it's his fault

i dunno

Judi:

to him you are perfect

Nick:

i can't believe in him

if he truly loved me i wouldn't be going through this shit

:'(

that's what my brain is telling me

i curse F words at him when i'm alone in my apartment

oh right, i do that on my blog too

sigh

Judi:

i noticed...

Nick:

i can't believe in God because the american cunt believes in him

i think that's a large factor

and i don't know why the american cunt plays such a big part in my life and my thought processes and my feelings

but he does

and i can't shake it

it's why the music's tiresome to me

it's why theatre's tiresome to me

everything that once meant EVEYRTHING to me is now tedious and painful

what do you do when the places you'd USUALLY turn to in times of difficulty end up being the places you CAN'T turn to anymore?

Brilliant Metaphor Alert #1

2011-04-27T12:52:00.000+08:00

Excerpt from an online chat between Judi and me.

Judi:

hmmm... lunch was a bit dissapointing

didn't taste as good

as it did at the BBq

Nick:

oh well

life's like that

one minute something looks good and tastes great

the next it leaves a sour taste in your mouth and heartburn.

Sigh

2011-04-26T23:41:00.003+08:00

Wow, it's been a week of ups and downs. Mostly in my mind, of course. Let's see, where do I begin. Last week, I had a mini breakthrough regarding the American and my thoughts of feeling like I'd ruined our friendship. The truth is, it was impossible for me to ruin the friendship when a friendship was what we never had - at least, not from my perspective. I mean, the feelings were there pretty much from early on, so any attempt at being friends were just an exercise in denial on my part. So having come to that realisation, I felt better about it all, like I was able to finally accept things and move past them. We can't be friends. We were never friends. Deal with it and move forward.

I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said she was very proud of me for having come to that realisation on my own. So all in all, it looked like I was on the mend. Earlier that day (i.e. the day of therapy) I'd sent my car for a tune-up and waiting in the lounge for it to get done. I had my laptop with me, and with nothing else to do, I decided to risk checking out footage of FTL. And to my surprise, I could actually watch some of the scenes without feeling too wistful about it, without it triggering off emotional thoughts and responses due to the association with the American. So that seemed positive.

Over the weekend, I was busy with KLPac's Short & Sweet Musical Theatre workshops, co-hosted by Llew, who had directed Little Girl Lost last year. That's where things started to unravel all over again. All the talk about musicals, and Broadway, made me start to think about things. And then my brain began to do that thing where it diminishes my self esteem. At one point early on in the workshop, I realised I had run out of things to say, and Llew had to jump in and take over. I began to tell myself I was useless, that I couldn't do this, that I wasn't good enough or qualified enough to handle a masterclass... that this was a disaster and I ought to just give up... and in fact, I had to struggle to just remain in the room while Llew took over the task of educating the crowd. WTF is up with my lack of confidence? And what the hell is so wrong with not being fully knowledgable anyway?? I had to berate myself: it's okay to be in a position where you have to delegate and learn from someone else. Instead, I felt insignificant. Useless. Oy.

It wasn't a complete waste though - I began to regain some confidence when we got round to the composing part of the workshop, where I had to personally work with aspiring composers and writers on songs and musical ideas. Suddenly I was back in my element, and I knew what I was doing. So that felt good. Collaboratively Llew and I managed, I think, to pull off a great workshop: we had four writing teams who each were forced to come up with a potential idea for a ten-minute musical, and then go away and work together to write a summary of the script plus song titles/ideas as well as come up with one or two original songs from scratch. Not an easy task, and yet they did it! Later on they presented their scenes and songs, and it was all very thrilling to hear and see.

The way the workshop was conducted was: we had three four-hour blocks: the first was with composers/writers to get them to come up with ideas and go away and compose; the second was with performers who wanted to learn the ropes of singing/acting/dancing (Llew handled most of that one); the third was a combined session where we got the new performers to perform the new writings. All well and truly inspiring, I thought, for the participants. So that was a pretty good weekend's work, all in all, despite some negativity from my troubled mind.

But since the weekend, my brain has gone back to self-hating mode. I keep focusing on the fact that I fumbled and wasn't able to handle one session on my own without Llew's help (despite realising fully that Llew has been doing theatre for over a decade and has been teaching and conducting workshops for most of the past ten years, while this was my virgin attempt at doing it). And all the talk about music and theatre kept reminding me of that American bastard, so from acceptance and greater peace just a few days ago, I'm back to a state of constant denial and resentment, trying to stop my brain from thinking about him, and from my heart (cough) to feel things. Subsequently I'm back where I'm started, I think. Tonight I was so depressed, I ate two large McDonalds value meals, half a box of chocolates, and promptly slept from 7pm to 10pm. I've put on, like, 8kgs in the past month. But who cares? I'm lonely anyway, and apparently unloved. Even God doesn't love me, but that's okay because he doesn't fucking exist anyway, happy fucking easter to you, God. So might as well be fat and eat my blues away. Who knows? With any luck I'll die of a coronary or diabetes or something.

The other day as I was preparing to move back home, I got angry at my parents. My dad doesn't seem to be helping my mum out to move furniture about, etc, and prepare for me to move home. Subsequently all my mum has done is whinge, whinge, whinge about it, without actually talking to him about why it bothers her that he's apathetic. So all I've been hearing is: "Don't know how we're going to do this. Trying to move two houses' worth of stuff into one. Such an inconvenience." Grumble, grumble. I'm beginning to think my folks don't actually want me to move back home. I'm beginning to think this truly is a major inconvenience to them, and they'd rather I find another place. In all fairness, I tried - just last week an acquaintance of mine said he was looking for a place, so we teamed up to explore finding an apartment to rent. But the attempts have been in vain: cheaper units within desirable locations weren't available, and those that were available were out of our price range. So I think that plan's been shelved.

Plus, I figure in my current state it's better for me to have the support of my family anyway. Except... oh, I don't. Perhaps it's not their fault; I've not spoken to them fully about why I'd like to move back home; i.e. because if I have to wake up alone in an empty apartment for much longer, I'm liable to jump out the window. The flipside of that is that my parents have known for the past month that I'm depressed, but they don't seem interested in talking about it, or finding out why or what's causing it. To them, being depressed means Nick's sad for no reason, whatever. Meanwhile, my brother's physical health they're all worried out of their minds about. Newsflash, parents: while you save your older son's physical health, your younger son's mental health is going down the drain. And with the amount of unhealthy foods I've been consuming in a desperate attempt to cheer myself up, it won't be long before my physical health falters too! Salut!

I sent out an email today to Jenny, director of Children's Theatre in Perth, saying I'm withdrawing from doing the music this year. I can't. I just can't. With all that's going on, the thought of sitting at the keyboard depresses me. The thought of music, and theatre, depresses me. Really, folks, there's very little joy in anything in my life these days. The other day my mum asked me, "What do you want to do in the future?" (a discussion in conjunction with whether I should move home or find my own place). The answer is, I don't know. I don't know what I want to do in the future. I don't even feel, right now, that I have one, or deserve one or whatever. All I know is, I'm living day to day now, and if every day ends up being like today, I'd sooner not have a future than have such a tedious, hopeless, miserable, joyless one.

I also withdrew last month from a choir project, and tonight offered my resignation from writing songs for a CD project. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing here - ruining and sabotaging my own professional life, and losing out on thousands and thousands of ringgit. I mean, the Perth job would have earned me over RM4k. The CD project is a charity project worth RM2k. And the choir project was RM250 an hour. But you know what? Fuck all that. I don't deserve it. I'm not an artist. I'm not a musician. I'm just not fucking good enough. So go and find yourselves a professional, a consummate musician who knows what the hell he's doing, because that person sure ain't me.

All By Myself. Don't Wanna Be... All By Myself... Anymore...

2011-04-18T15:54:00.003+08:00

Today I've been feeling down again. My brain just keeps on going with thoughts that I don't wanna think about, especially pertaining to certain persons and certain situations. Sometimes I think it's no wonder that some people put a bullet into their skulls. Not that I would. I don't have a gun. Heh. Not funny. The thing is, I'd like to distract myself by listening to music or writing a script or something, but all these things, these pleasures that I used to enjoy, that used to be distractions from emo and angsty moods, are now perpetual reminders of the situation that I'm in. So there's no more joy in these things. I've been robbed of the joy, and I feel angry and resentful about that. But anyway.

I was having lunch (on my own again), feeling rather blah, and the music playing in the shopping centre was All By Myself. I nearly had to laugh out loud at the apropos sadness of it all. And then it went into Take A Look At Me Now, which made me sigh and realise I had to finish my meal and get out of there. I swore, if it went into Lonely, I'm So Lonely I'd probably stab myself in the brain with a chopstick in the eye. Fortunately it went into Everything I Do I'd Do It For You, though I'm not entirely sure that was a better option.

I had time to think about why I keep finding myself alone, having meals by myself. It's because I don't call people to spend time with them. And why is that? Because, apart from Terry, I don't have many other close friends. Yes, there's Debs and Phaik Leng, dear friends, but I don't have as much in common with them as I do with Terry. And I think it's because my current state of mind means that talking about anything else other than me, me, me (which, as we all have learnt, is what everyone else is dying to talk about) is trite and trivial. That's coupled with the fact that right now I have very little engagement with the outside world: I don't listen to music; I haven't been to the movies in ages; I'm avoiding the newspapers; I'm barely reading anything other than fluff novels to get my mind off of things. So then it comes to matters topical, I've got nothing to say. Apart from television, which is another thing Terry and I talk about.

The other reason for my alone-ness? It's because the rest of my friends are in the arts/music scene. And believe me, that's a topic I don't want to broach right now. So... yeah. It's kinda a catch-22 now.

Then there's this matter of my self-esteem bringing me down, so that whenever I hear of other people being happy or doing well for themselves, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I know that sucks. Believe me, I know. But in my current emotional state, everything good that happens to someone else is a reminder of the bad that's happening to me. And yet I'm logical enough, still, to know that really, my world isn't that bad. In fact, I've really got it good, when I think about it. I just wish my feelings could match up with my logic. But it doesn't. So while I try to muster up happiness for someone else's good fortune, my brain goes, "See? You're a loser, Nick. You'll never be as successful as xxxxx." And then I wonder what it must feel like to be happy, and content. And it drags me further down.

Anyway, you might not think this based on what you've just read, but my mood isn't entirely negative right now. If it were, I don't think I'd have the courage to type all that out. But I have, and it means that I'm confronting these realisations, and am trying to pull myself out of this mire of self-inflicted misery. It's a painful thing to be perpetually resenting one's life and one's predicaments, especially when one really doesn't have much to be resentful about in the grand scheme of things... but this is where I'm at, and I've got to continue to figure out why this is happening, and I've got to overcome all these things, even if it means having to grab the bull by the horns and really confront the issues rather than yell at myself, "Shut up! Don't think about it! It doesn't exist!" and push it all down into the little locked panic room marked Denial.

Incidentally, I think a good confrontational step would be to wonder outright if I actually fell in love with the American. And that by pretending I didn't, and trying to cultivate a normal friendship, I fucked around with my own psychological state. Rightyo, that doesn't sound remotely dramatic at all. "Fell in love." Who the fuck knows what love is, right? All I know is, this is so much more ... I dunno, intense ... than anything I've ever been through, and it's messed me up in ways that I never imagined. Even the previous major encounter with Cam, five years ago, was never like this. I mean, Jesus, I started believing in God again because of the American! I started praying again! Contemplated going back to church! Started writing stupid fucking religious music! "People come into your life for a reason!" "God has a plan for you!" Fuck that shit! Right now I'm still angry and confused about it all. And I'm thinking, ah heck, if hell is a place that's devoid of the existence of God, then maybe it's not so bad, and maybe I'm there already.

Which leads me back to my brain thinking this right now as I type: "Oh shaddap Nick. Push it all down into the little locked panic room marked Denial, because this is all too much to deal with." And yet I've typed it out, which maybe means, even in a small, frightened way, I'm starting, dear Jesus fucking Christ forgive me, to start to start to start dealing with it.

Therapy: Session One Proper + Late-Night Visits

2011-04-17T00:08:00.002+08:00

Eating dinner alone on a Saturday night is always fun. As is blogging from my mobile phone. Sigh.

Yesterday I had Therapy, Day Two: The Official Session One. Ya, apparently last week's didn't count as an official session. Yesterday there was mainly a lot of talking, mostly by me. I sense this is what therapy is mostly gonna be like, oy. But some new technical terms were thrown into the fray, like "cognitive behavorial therapy" which is apparently what we'll soon be embarking upon. No idea what it all means, but all I know is, there'll be homework involved. Like for this week, I'm supposed think about what activities I could possibly do that would leave me feeling "productive" without productive being synonymous with "creatively prolific". Because apparently I equate the two, which means that I'm frequently frustrated when creativity doesn't hit me, since I equate that to being unproductive and therefore time wasting. Hmm. Fascinating.

Anyway, I was given a list of "pleasurable activities" to peruse, which immediately made me think porn and wankery. True enough, having sex and making sex-partner lists and masturbating were on that list, I kid you not. Turns out the list is from some sort of American help book and is just meant to be a guide, i.e. to provide suggestions, for purposes that really don't apply to my case. In other words, my therapist just happened to have it on hand, and since the topic of activities had come up, I might as well see if I could glean any non-creative inspiration from it. Stupid Americans.

[Appended on home computer] On Thursday night, the doorbell rang at about midnight. Thinking it was the security guard about to ask me to turn down the volume of my TV, I opened it and found three former cast members from FTL standing there. Turned out they'd been trying to call me (and I had been ignoring them out of being in a down state) and they were there to make sure I was still alive. As one of 'em put it later, "We were relieved to hear the television on. And then we thought, no, wait, let's make sure Nick opens the door, just in case the TV's been left on for days." Arf. (Sidebar: A part of me was very moved and grateful that they'd cared enough to check in on me, but another part of me was also embarrassed and kinda irked by it. Like, "Oh, thank God, I have friends who care, please pay attention to me and validate my existence!" and "I don't want your pity and your attention, so go away!" This dichotomy in my head is, as mentioned in my previous blog post, part of the problem: the constant duality of thinking that's almost perpetually in conflict within my mind. As Terry once remarked, I seem to be like a narcissist, or egotist, who craves and yet simultaneously, enigmatically, resents being given attention. How did I end up this way? And how do I put an end to it? Oy. Anyway.)

So the four of us went for supper downstairs and I filled them in on some of the basic details of what's been going on, including my self-imposed, much-needed break from all things theatre and music related. Which would be just as well if I didn't have this theatre workshop to conduct next (Easter) weekend. And then there's the children's theatre show in Perth. Wish I could feel a bit more enthusiasm for both these projects, but the absolute truth of the matter is, the performing arts right now is still very much a sore spot for me. I know that I most likely will get over it (heck, there's a work in progress as I type!) but at this present, theatre, especially FTL, has too many not-necessarily-positive associations which I really would like to get past and get over. I'm looking forward to that. [End append]

Wokay then. Well, that's it for now I guess. My dinner is here, and it hurts typing with one hand, and there are soup spatters on the screen - so I'm gonna go. Till later. Bye.

Self Talk Is A Pain in the Ass, and Not in a Good Way

2011-04-13T15:27:00.000+08:00

So here's an example of how my brain goes into self-destructive mode and threaten to sabotage all my creative endeavours. Just recently I found out that one of my friends is the musical director for a local production of Cabaret. She's good, and she's talented, and she's definitely capable of doing a good job. But immediately upon discovering this my brain goes: "She's good, but you're not, Nick. She's talented, but you're not, Nick. She's capable, and that American guy is capable, but you're not, Nick." And then I have to have arguments with myself: "How would you know you're not capable if you haven't even tried?" And then my brain goes: "Because it's obvious, you're a failure. You're not a musician. You've got no talent. You should just give up." And then I have to go, "Oh shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up." And then I realise I just might be losing my mind, and that therapy on Friday can't come soon enough.

So that's my neurosis going into overdrive. My therapist says she believes there's a lot of self-introspection on my part, a lot of self-examination and self-thought, but probably too much of it, too much destructive self-talk. So the trick now, I think, is to find out why there's so much self-talk, and how to get rid of it so that Positive Nick is all that exists, not Negative Pseudo Crazy Nick. Capeesh? Capeesh.

Packing Up In Progress

2011-04-11T09:23:00.002+08:00

Therapy: Session One

2011-04-10T14:17:00.001+08:00

Friday marked Day One of my therapy session. In typical Nick fashion, I rocked up to the counselling centre about half an hour late for my appointment. But hey, it wasn’t completely my fault – the traffic around the centre was horrendous, and there wasn’t any parking space, and the building itself was difficult to find, and when I tried calling to get directions the phone reception wasn’t clear, and and and anyway.

So yeah, I won’t go into too much detail, but Session 1 seemed pretty okay. Did a lot of preliminary talk, introducing each other etc, though I definitely talked a lot more than my therapist did. In fact, I warned her beforehand that I could get quite chatty and quite jokey, which I think she appreciated, arf. By the end of the hour-and-a-half session, she’d filled an entire page with notes on Nick’s dysfunction, and she admitted as such: “There’s quite a lot to work through here.” Oy. To which I quipped, “Um. Are you scared?” And she replied, smiling, “Do I look scared?” So I think this might be interesting.

Therapy is a big step for me, someone who has likely been depressed for years. I’d always been afraid of going because… I dunno, there’s this prejudiced perspective I have that local counsellors and psychologists are untrustworthy… like, whatever you tell them, they’re going to judge you, and not in a helpful, analytical, professional way. I think it’s because a couple of my friends have told me about being looked down upon by so-called professionals they’ve sought help from and confided in – medical doctors in public hospitals, for instance – which didn’t help to boost my confidence any. And I think it’s also my bias in favour of Westerners… y’know, having lived in Aussieland and all, and having this preconceived and probably misconceived perception of therapists as seen on American television. But I figure, at this point of near-breakdown, there’s really nothing to lose. Except for RM160 a week. But I’ll deal with that. Or if I can’t, then we’ll just have to go for therapy to learn how to deal with it. Heh. I’m so freakin’ funny.

My therapist actually asked me what I thought of therapy, and I said it felt both nervous-making and exciting: the former because it meant addressing some long-denied issues and “taking down the bricks from the wall”, as Will in Will & Grace once put it to Karen, who mimed removing a brick from the imaginary wall that shielded her from her intoxicated neurosis and promptly screamed high-pitched and squeaky in horror; the latter because of the aforementioned American perception of seeking therapy, like it’s something “glamorous”, as-seen-on-TV. Stupid Americans. Terry seems to have been roped in by this too: a couple of hours before my session, he texted me: “Two more hours to therapy! How exciting!” Oy vey.

I asked my therapist if blogging about our sessions would constitute some sort of confidentiality breach. She thought it over and replied it was really up to me because ultimately I’d be sharing my secrets, as it were, and that it wouldn’t really affect her that much, unless I were to post, like, defamatory statements, of course. So I guess the rule here is to exercise discretion in what I choose to share. I suppose we’ll have to see how these sessions unfold before I decide what to blog and what not to. Either way, check back in for updates, k? Till next time… see ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya. (More accurately, you wouldn’t wanna be me. But that wouldn’t rhyme.)

Fire!

2011-04-10T14:15:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I woke up to the sound of something popping and snapping loudly outside. Curious, I wandered over to the window and looked out, and saw, much to my shock and perverse fascination, a house on fire. Yup, right there within vantage point, one of the village terrace houses was ablaze. Quite dramatic. Didn’t take too long for the fire trucks to get there – probably ten minutes or so, but ten minutes must seem like an eternity for the families and neighbours who were seen gathering in the streets amidst urgent hollering and the crackling of the blaze. Took the firefighters less than ten minutes, I think, to put the flames out, by which point all that was left of the second floor of the house and its neighbour were burnt-out frames. Oy.

Being the intrepid faux journalist that I am, I snapped some shots of the events as they unfolded:

Retrospective Blog Post #1: Where Art Thou?

2011-04-10T14:09:00.003+08:00

Thursday, 7 April 2011, 9.45pm. Hi, everyone. Some of you might notice my reduced online presence lately, which might explain why this blog is being posted retrospectively. I just felt the urge to disappear. No biggie. I’ll be back in “real time” soon enough. In the meantime, here are some updates on what’s been going on.

Earlier this week I got into an argument with my landlord, who insisted I pay an increased rent even though he’s not renewing our tenantship agreement. Long story short, our phone conversation got heated (and he had this absolutely obnoxious, prickish tone to begin with) and he ended up hanging up on me after I lost my cool. Long story shorter, I’ll now be moving out at the end of this month… which means packing-up starts this weekend, and will take every weekend until I’m outta here. This also means that my long overdue FTL cast recording has to be shelved further, but I’m okay with that. In fact, I think I need to take an FTL breather altogether. It’s been on my mind for the past five years, and with all the more recent associations connected with the show, it’s time, I think, to let it rest and maybe revisit this sometime in the future when I’m… like… normal again, y’know? So yeah. Time to move on.

Speaking of normal, tomorrow, Friday, marks my first day at therapy. Yup, you read right. A week or so ago I decided to sign up for clinical psychology sessions, and tomorrow will be day one. I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to blog about these sessions – nor am I sure if it’s at all advisable to – but I guess we’ll find out once I ask my therapist her opinion, arf. Meanwhile, Terry’s kinda over the moon about this. I think he links therapy, much like taking Prozac, to something rather exciting, momentous, television-ary. Which I guess it kinda is, heh. So… yeah. More on this as and when it develops, I suppose.

Speaking of Terry, a hilarious thing happened in the car earlier today while we were driving back from dinner. We were talking about a new musical idea I had, and at one point I said something that… um… well… Oh, I think this might be difficult to explain in writing; it’s one of those you-had-to-be-there instances. So as pointless as bringing this up was, I’m going to end the story there. All I need is this phrase to remind myself of the hilarity that ensued: “Nehi babuchi!” It’s Hindi, I think, for… um… well… I dunno. “No!” or “Help!” or something Bollywoody dramatic like that. But it was really, really funny… we laughed till we had tears in our eyes and couldn’t breathe. Yeah, you really had to be there. Oy.

Oh well, that’s it for now, I suppose! Till next time!