So if there's one thing I've learnt from yesterday's little emotional setback, it's that I seemingly need frequent external cheerleading, i.e. people checking in on me and saying stuff like "You can do it!" and "Snap out of it!" I've gone for about 2 weeks without really interacting with people - due to CNY, gout attacks and back injuries - and it's taken a toll. It sounds like an attention-seeking thing, and I suppose on a psychological level it probably is; but the deeper issue, I think, is that my *internal* cheerleader still needs fixing... it tends to go, "You can do it, Nick! You can do it! You can--oh I'm tired, screw you muddaphucker you're on your own."
So what's the point of this? I don't know. I've always been an attention seeker. I've been raised a spoiled child, and I recognise that. But is it really that wrong for me to say, "Hey, folks, I know I've run away before and had iddy-biddy breakdowns, but I'm back now, and I'm trying real hard to keep going, so please do check in on me?" Because otherwise that internal cheerleader starts poisoning its squad with malicious and self-destructive thoughts, and it all goes downhill from there.
And yes, I realise that communication is a two-way street, and that *I* could be the one doing the checking-in on someone, but it's really difficult to feel up to interacting when the internal cheerleader is convincing you that you'd only be unwelcome company as it discards its frilly pompoms and billowy mini skirt to replace them with the cruel, crushing rambutan of spiked mace and cold steely loin armou--oh this metaphor is going to hell.
Thanks for reading. I do love and appreciate you all. Chins up!