Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Sigh

Some days I feel like this whole composer-creativity thing is a big pain in the ass. I said this to a friend recently - that I don't feel that my music is a passion, because it brings me more tears, frustration and heartache than happiness. It feels like a sense of obligation, as in, "Oh, I've been given this ability so it would be a real waste not to use it." (Yet even as I write this I realise how bratty and ungrateful this sounds, "Oh boohoo, Mr Composer Man has talent but all he's doing is whingeing about it.")

Still, obligations are exhausting, that sense of responsibility a burden, and some days (like today) I wish I could just call it a day. I've given up well-paying jobs in pursuit of happiness through my creativity, but right now it feels like that's a paradox because the creativity is a happiness DRAINER, not provider. And so it leaves me right now wondering, a la Karen Walker in Will and Grace, "Ah, Smitty. What's it all about?"

To my current and prospective collaborators, sorry for the gripe. I'm just working through this sense of discouragement and overall mental-emotional weariness. But something has to change (yes, it's probably me). And I'm not sure if this is the route I want to keep going on, when it just leaves me as unfulfilled as anything else... floundering under the weight of a self-perceived crushing obligation; still trying to figure out who and where the hell my support system is; pondering the inexplicable contradiction that a passion is meant to bring you joy and yet this is only bringing me tears and grief; and, ultimately, stagnating.

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