Thursday, 13 February 2014

Today's response to yesterday's Sigh...

So if there's one thing I've learnt from yesterday's little emotional setback, it's that I seemingly need frequent external cheerleading, i.e. people checking in on me and saying stuff like "You can do it!" and "Snap out of it!" I've gone for about 2 weeks without really interacting with people - due to CNY, gout attacks and back injuries - and it's taken a toll. It sounds like an attention-seeking thing, and I suppose on a psychological level it probably is; but the deeper issue, I think, is that my *internal* cheerleader still needs fixing... it tends to go, "You can do it, Nick! You can do it! You can--oh I'm tired, screw you muddaphucker you're on your own."

So what's the point of this? I don't know. I've always been an attention seeker. I've been raised a spoiled child, and I recognise that. But is it really that wrong for me to say, "Hey, folks, I know I've run away before and had iddy-biddy breakdowns, but I'm back now, and I'm trying real hard to keep going, so please do check in on me?" Because otherwise that internal cheerleader starts poisoning its squad with malicious and self-destructive thoughts, and it all goes downhill from there.

And yes, I realise that communication is a two-way street, and that *I* could be the one doing the checking-in on someone, but it's really difficult to feel up to interacting when the internal cheerleader is convincing you that you'd only be unwelcome company as it discards its frilly pompoms and billowy mini skirt to replace them with the cruel, crushing rambutan of spiked mace and cold steely loin armou--oh this metaphor is going to hell.

Thanks for reading. I do love and appreciate you all. Chins up!

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Sigh

Some days I feel like this whole composer-creativity thing is a big pain in the ass. I said this to a friend recently - that I don't feel that my music is a passion, because it brings me more tears, frustration and heartache than happiness. It feels like a sense of obligation, as in, "Oh, I've been given this ability so it would be a real waste not to use it." (Yet even as I write this I realise how bratty and ungrateful this sounds, "Oh boohoo, Mr Composer Man has talent but all he's doing is whingeing about it.")

Still, obligations are exhausting, that sense of responsibility a burden, and some days (like today) I wish I could just call it a day. I've given up well-paying jobs in pursuit of happiness through my creativity, but right now it feels like that's a paradox because the creativity is a happiness DRAINER, not provider. And so it leaves me right now wondering, a la Karen Walker in Will and Grace, "Ah, Smitty. What's it all about?"

To my current and prospective collaborators, sorry for the gripe. I'm just working through this sense of discouragement and overall mental-emotional weariness. But something has to change (yes, it's probably me). And I'm not sure if this is the route I want to keep going on, when it just leaves me as unfulfilled as anything else... floundering under the weight of a self-perceived crushing obligation; still trying to figure out who and where the hell my support system is; pondering the inexplicable contradiction that a passion is meant to bring you joy and yet this is only bringing me tears and grief; and, ultimately, stagnating.

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Semi-Traditional CNY Lunch...

With Terry at Chicago Steak House in 1Utama, on the second day of Chinese New Year! Mmmm!! Porked out!