Saturday, 9 February 2013

Pre-CNY blues

Hey everyone. Sorry for lack of updates. Am in Penang right now, at the Club, waiting to check out of this room and head on up to my grandma's place in Balik Pulau. It's been a pretty bummy few days; I guess the mood stabilisers need to be upped a notch, arf. Sigh. Ummm. Came to Penang on Thursday night. I was originally meant to get onto a 1:50pm flight from Singaypoo, but as it turns out work was unexpectedly heavy and I couldn't leave the office early, much to my frustration. It was my fault, really (though I haven't told anyone this): I had presumed it would be like any other workday and there wouldn't be a problem with me leaving office early. But as it turns out they've upped my responsibilities to include UPDATING TV LISTINGS, and I type that in upper case because I'm YELLING it with some degree of FRUSTRATION. Oh wow, I've got a MASTERS in JOURNALISM and CREATIVE ARTS and I've been tasked to DRAW LINES AROUND ADS and UPDATE TV LISTINGS for five hours out of my day. When you consider there are, like, three to four musical projects I've got lined up on my plate this year, I wonder what the hell I'm really doing and why, oh why, I'm bound to other people's expectations and my own. See, I'm waiting for the outcome of my permanent residence application, which I've come to accept that I, too, want (in addition to my parents wanting it, oh you pathetic man-child you); so until it's approved I've got to SUCK IT UP and just BEAR WITH IT until it's time for me to go. Which, in the meantime, means it's all building up inside of me and I just wanna scream cry yell sob take more meds go into a drunken stupor all of the above. What was I saying? Oh yeah, updating TV listings; so I was asked to finish the listings up until this coming Wednesday (when I return to Singapoo), meaning I was stuck at work and couldn't leave and ended up missing my flight. I bought a ticket for 9pm Thursday night, and wouldn't you know it, it set me back close to RM1,200. I could've bought a LAPTOP with that money. Couple that with the ticket I'd wasted (non-refundable, non-exchangeable in such a short time frame), it comes up to almost RM2,000 I've squandered. ARRRGH. ARRRGGHHH. So you might ask why I don't ask for greater responsibilities at work instead of these menial tasks? I don't know. I guess it's because I don't WANT greater responsibilities, I'm likely to FUCK IT UP. And also because I'm ready to leave, so why bother asking for more? But I'm hesitant  to leave without the PR. What if my theatre works don't end up happening? What if I fuck THAT up?? I feel so trapped, I tell you. TRAPPED. And I can't seem to find a way out. I'm unable to walk away. I'm unable to make my own decisions. I'm unable to do anything. I'm trapped. Oh yes, all you more well-adjusted non-bipolar people are thinking TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE YOU'RE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DESTINY and all that fucking bullshit, but I tell you if it's that easy, there wouldn't be depressed and mood-swingy people in this world. Or perhaps it's the depress-mood-swinginess that's STOPPING me from finding a way out, or from taking control, or from whatever whatever fuckit.So I shall just suffer in silence (apart from online rants) and resign myself to this life of nothing greater. Happy Chinese New Year, everybody.

End... scene.

No comments: