When I look back on 2012, all I can say is, despite everything that unfolded last year, it's been a positively challenging year. By that, I mean that everything that occurred seemed to have helped me grow and learn some sort of lesson, to better myself and to get further clarity on this drama that is my life. In recent days I think my faith in God has been stronger, what with multiple signs and messages and whatnot (though yesterday and today that faith has dwindled a little bit with the aforementioned bouts of melancholy). What a shame that I need signs and messages to get the fire going in my heart again (oh ye of little faith and great lust in man-to-man action!). I wonder if 2012 was meant to be the year where Nick Choo learns more about his position in the eyes of God, what he (meaning me) is meant to be doing and where he (still me) should be going. Singapore, frustrating as it has been, is but a stepping stone, I think, to something greater. And being on my own and having to find my own way has been, I think, an exercise in rebuilding the self-confidence that I'd lost in the year before, though we still have a fair way to go where that is concerned! I just gotta ride the wave and see where this leads me. I think. I hope. I pray.
Comparing 2012 with the year before that... 2011 was a negatively challenging year. Lots of emotional and mental upheaval, lots of questioning and self-doubt and self-loathing, all of which I found very difficult to deal with and had very few non-material resources at my disposal. Last year was still very difficult, especially the big move to the Land of the Clenched, but... it was character-building, while 2011 was extremely character-destroying. For that, I guess, I should be grateful: this trajectory, this journey, that I'm on. And I think I've learnt to take deep breaths and reflect more, to try to be patient and trust in a higher plan, a timetable that's out of my hands, rather than sit and stew and grow increasingly burdened by impatience and self-loathing. Over and over I've been told that God will refine those He has chosen through trials, but while you will be tested, you will never be broken; He will not give you more than you can handle. Looking back, I think that's true.... though, boy oh boy, we sure were on the precipice there, weren't we?? Oy.
Incidentally, while we're on the subject of God still, I forgot to mention: On the same day when I received the so-called inspiration to look up Romans 8: 26-34, my dad sent me an SMS that said the following: "Psalm 31: 14, 15 - 'My future is in Your hands'. All of life's circumstances are under God's control. Knowing that God loves and cares for us enables us to keep steady in our faith ... it keeps us from taking matters into our own hands or resenting God's timetable." Oy. What I eventually discovered was that, if you look up Psalm 31 online, it says: "For the director of music", or "to the choir master". How odd is that, given that my former piano teacher is still urging me to join the choir at Novena Church, and in the wake of this blog post about a choir that I'd written about earlier this year? Also, my Mum has a Bible with little footnotes, and when she looked up the Romans 8 passages above, there was a footnote that said: "(Paul's letter) is a letter of comfort and confidence". Oy!
So yes. 2012. What a crazy year, full of ups and downs, but all in the growth/rebuilding end of the spectrum, versus 2011's tear-down/destruction quadrant. What will 2013 hold? I really have no idea, though among my immediate plans are to visit a specialist to get this mental-emotional condition of mine checked out. I know that God will grant me healing, but maybe part of that healing process is to make full use of opportunities such as medical assistance available to me in Singaypoo! Other plans? I hope that my artistic inclinations and inspirations will be further rejuvenated this year, and that I will find more joy and fulfilment out of doing these creative things, rather than hurt and bitter resentment as has been the case over the past couple of years. I have new ideas in mind; further developments of existing ideas; and I'm really hoping that the current plans for my theatrical ventures will shortly be concretised and confirmed once and for all ... uncertainty can be incredibly exasperating, yo!!
And with that, I'm gonna leave you now with pics of my New Year's Eve "celebration" at Terry's place last night with Debs and Terry's friend Sherena: a very low-key ringing in of the New Year, with snacks, booze and horror/thriller movies execrable (that's you, The Apparition) and sufficiently intelligent if exasperatingly befuddling (that's you, The Tall Man). Until next time... hope you've had a good New Year's celebration yourselves. And please keep my grandpappy in your prayers, k? Thanks. Bye for now!!!
|Me chewing on an expired sausage out of a can. |
Hey, I'm not one to squander a piece of meat...
|Terry and Sherena reacting during the insipid horror movie The Apparition. Oy.|
|I suppose Terry thought the mugs were appropriately labelled...|