But otherwise, work has been okay. I'm learning not to take things too personally, though I fear the mind of a depressive tends to make me too hard on myself. Case in point, when bosses tell me off for mistakes or, in the case of yesterday, for being 15 minutes late to work (never mind that other people tend to waltz in up to half an hour after 4pm start-time), my mood goes down and I start wondering what the heck I'm doing here. And it's true, I still wonder that: What am I doing here?? I just hung out with my dear friend Carol today, and we've come to the decision that I need to shift from What am I doing here?? to THIS is what I'm doing here!! That is, find my way towards being more fulfilled, and then fulfill it!
It's along the same thread of a discussion I had with my good friend JJ back home before coming back. He still believes I'm capable of "changing the world" and affecting people through my music, even though I'm increasingly losing faith in my capabilities. I just need to focus, to be patient, to plan and map out the steps towards getting there. And, he says, I need something that has been severely lacking in KL: A solid support base. A solid team. By that, he means people who are constantly cheering me on when I'm "in the zone", and when I'm not in the zone, to help me get into the zone by either chilling out (because I need a break) or by smacking me on the back of the head with a solid "Snappoutofit!". Yah. I think I had more of this support base in Aussieland, but I never truly built it in Malaysia, which might've contributed towards this sense of lost-ness, confusion and failure. Oy.
But never mind, I'm here now. It's still difficult, make no mistake: I wake up most days not truly happy about my current job, though don't get me wrong, it's not the job, it's just not what I really want to be doing, and it's frustrating not being in a place where I can do what I want to do. And there's a catch 22 here: Being in Singapore can help me get to where I'd like to be, I think. But I can only remain in Singapore as long as I'm doing this job. And the scheduling demands of this job means my schedule is pretty topsy-turvy, so I don't know if I'm being as productive and successful in networking as I should be. Not that I've committed 100% to networking yet, mind you, so maybe I should give myself a break and just focus on doing what can and needs to be done, and be confident that it'll all lead me somewhere. If God is still guiding my path, then I gotta... like... try to trust that there's a future for me, no? Oy. I dunno. I'm just "rambling" as I type now. Ah well. Life's like that.
Anyway I gotta go now. I'll try to maintain and update this blog more regularly for the couple of you who are reading. In the meantime, here are pictures from Terry's visit to Singypoo, and our trip to the zoo, a couple of weeks ago, followed by supper with Little Jo. Till next time.
|We always overdo the foodage.|
|Saying grace. Really. Actually, not really.|
|Terry looking positively enthralled as we line up for the Night Safari.|
|Somehow I relate to this creature, whatever it is.|
|Little Terry and Little Jo!|
|Little Jo and Neeeek!|