Saturday, 26 March 2011

Birthday Bashes

Hey all. On a happier note: on Thursday night, my birthday itself, Terry and Debs and I went for a nice dinner at Delicious in Bangsar Village. And then on Friday night, me, Terry, Debs, Chrisse, Lay Hoon, Stephani and Phaik Leng headed back to BV for dinner at The Daily Grind (which has since shifted its premises and isn't, in my opinion, as nice anymore, compared to the last time I was there), followed by drinks, desserts and long brain-picking chats at Alexis. All in all, a more uplifting couple of nights. Here are pics, some courtesy of Terry. Till next time :)

Drink up, birthday boy!

I always feel left behind, but tonight I decided to ketchup.

At Alexis: Chrisse and Steph looking intellectual.

I don't know what I was talking about at this moment. Probably something dramatic.

Me, Terry and Lay Hoon.

All together now: Me, Lay Hoon, Terry, Phaiks, Debs, Steph and Chrisse

Thursday, 24 March 2011

Baskin Robbins

I turn 31 today.

This has to be the most depressing birthday I've had thus far. Lucky me.

31 and struggling with who and what I am, where I am.
31 and never been in a relationship.
31 and feeling like a failure artistically.
31 and treading water financially.
31 and too scared to fully embrace the truth.
31 and will soon be living at home with family who don't like to confront truths.
31 and emotionally immature.
31 and not sure what to believe.
31 and psychologically messed up.
31 and hurting people, losing friends.
31 and stupid.
31 and hopeless.

So on my birthday, let me take this first step and announce to the entire world that I'm gay. Family members, go ahead, spread the gossip, tell my parents, tell everyone. Frankly, I don't give a shit anymore. God knows I don't have big plans to keep going with this life in this state. So this state has got to change. And if that means making bold, if reckless, moves, so be it.

So I'm gay, everyone. And maybe when everyone who matters to me can embrace this and accept it, I finally will, too, after 13 years of being open to my closest friends, and after nearly 20 years of knowing this deep in my heart.

If you can't accept this, or if changes whatever relationship we have and you can't deal with the fact that I like men, then all I can say is: FUCK YOU. I've had enough of denying myself, of trying to change what I can't. I'm sick and tired of "dealing". Enough fucking "dealing". You can't handle it? That's your fucking problem, not mine. So FUCK OFF.

I don't believe in God today. It's hard to be gay and be Catholic. I know that's a cliche, but hey, cliches are cliches because they contain truth. It's a good thing I'm no longer Catholic. Though right now I'm no longer Christian. Right now I'm an atheist. Yes, the world's a much better place when you don't believe there's a greater force behind the things that happen in your life. The bad news is, this really means I'm a failure through my own doing. I'm not sure that's a better option. So I don't know now. Oh, leave me alone.

In recent days I've lost friends. First, a guy I've liked. We ended things on a positive note and the reassurance that we'll be friends, but the truth is, I don't think I'm up to continuing to try to pursue a friendship with him, not right now. So as much as it saddens me, I've decided that has to be over. Because the alternative is a lot of denial, which leads to resentment and a whole lot of irrational anger. And I'm tired of being angry. So this has to end. Four months of perpetually thinking about one person is way too long, and I'm exhausted. Exhausted, regretful, and angry.

Speaking of anger:

Then there was the friend in the email exchange in the previous blog post. More emails have subsequently been exchanged. Long and the short of it is, that's officially over, too. And I think it's safe to say this one is for good. Goodbye, you. You probably won't believe me, but I am sorry I let my rage supercede my rationale and self-control. We had some great times, and the truth of the matter is, I will miss you. Dearly.

I'm sorry I messed things up. I'm sorry for hurting relationships. I'm sorry I fucked up. In both instances of friendship lost. In my relationship with a God who might or might not exist. In life.

Happy birthday, Nick.

Monday, 21 March 2011

Losing My Mind

Sorry for the lack of updates. Lately things have been hitting a darker patch again, so I've just been trying to sort things out. Unfortunately I don't seem to be doing a very good job as these days I find myself filled with a lot of anger and, somewhat contradictorily, indifference. I.e. I'm indifferent that I'm angry all the time. And I'm sure that's not healthy, but whatever. See? Exactly.

This anger is making me rather irrational. Yesterday I was having sushi with Terry and Chrissie and little things were pissing me off, like the surly waitress who poured us iced green tea, who made me exclaim F words - not terribly loudly, but loud enough. And I've lately been waking up frustrated, filled with self-loathing, and last night I even had to punch the headboard of the bed just to feel less riled up.

The odd thing is, I'm not even sure what it is that's pissing me off. I think it's just life in general. So lately I've been thinking things like, "Hmm I wonder what the least painful way of ending one's life would be." Not that I actually would, don't get me wrong. I think it's a cowardly way out. But I've been thinking it. And I think this is a clear sign that somewhere along the way I've got to get additional professional help. The Prozac just ain't cutting it.

Anyway. My birthday's in three days, whoop-de-doo. Happy f'ing birthday to me.

Here's an irrelevant story. Last week at work I tried to replace the giant large-gallon bottle of water in the office water dispenser. And then the bottle slipped and fell to the floor, splashing water all over the carpet. Nice going, Nick.

On Friday night I was lucky enough to be invited to the launch of Malaysia's own Esquire magazine. I was there to play the keyboard while my friend L and new acquaintance W performed two showtunes onstage. I had an enjoyable time overall, though at one point I felt incredibly out of my league and out of my element with all these glamourous good-looking successful people all around me. Didn't know what to say and honestly didn't quite know how to act, either, so I spent most of the night being a wallflower until I saw people I already knew and were able to hang out with them. And drink. Oh yes, there was drinking. An acquaintance had to drive me home. Except that she wasn't so adept at driving a manual car, so in the end I had to drive her home first before driving myself home, under the influence. Good times.

The other day I received an email from a "friend". I won't say who, but here's an excerpt from it:

You've consistently put your needs above mine. I think I realize that I was what you needed to boost your confidence and ego, and when that wasn't working out the way you wanted, you gave me a hard time ... The truth of the matter is everything I've said in my prior email and the first paragraph of this one IS TRUE. And it angers me that you would brush it aside, as you've brushed aside everything else, in YOUR selfish quest to fulfill whatever need it is you need to fulfill for yourself. 

Today, in anger, I wrote back:

you know what? i didn't deserve this.

if you were angry at me, you should have told me. You've always been able to talk to me seriously and I would take you seriously when you did. why not now?

this fucking pisses me off ... honestly, you could have simply said, "Nick, truth of the matter is, your actions have hurt me and I'm angry at you." And I would have sought to find out why, and I would have tried to make amends sincerely, and really take steps to learn from this and alter my attitudes accordingly.

but this? it makes me go "fuck you". get off your high horse, seriously ... stop pointing fingers when my behaviour is often a reflection of your own - it's just that YOU are similarly so arrogant that you can't see it.

You talk about me having an ego. But do you know what it's like to feel worthless all the time? Do you know what it's like to desperately try to prove yourself so that you don't feel like a FUCKING FAILURE 24/7?? And do you have any idea what it's like to have something like ONE email from a "FRIEND" push you over the edge and make you feel THIS BIG? oh i can hear you now, in all your high-and-mighty holier-than-thou greatness: "You're such a drama queen." But it's the kind of thing i've been struggling with for ages, and nobody takes me fucking seriously, and so to overcome it i've been trying to prove myself. And if it means walking over people in the process, then i'm sorry, but yes, yes, yes, it's all about me me ME ME ME ME. but don't you dare assume to know what's going on in my head when you have NO fucking idea what i've been going through.

if your definition of friendship is one where people have to OFFER things to you, then i'm glad you have better friends out there because clearly i can't be one of them. 

... Was my reply out of proportion to the email that friend sent? Probably. Is my anger unjustified? More than likely. The sad truth is that what this friend says is true: I am self-involved, and I do put my needs above other people's. But right now do I care? Nope, don't give a flying fuck. So if you don't like me, or if this tarnishes your opinion of me, then go screw yourself.

So that's where I am right now, in my mental and emotional space. Ohhhh it's such a happy place to be!!

How are you?

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Decisions, Decisions

Hey all! It's week number two at work, and so far it's been pretty smooth-sailing. Some developments have also been... um... developing on the creative front, including the much-mentioned FTL cast recording, which we'll be working on and hopefully wrapping up by the end of the month, plus some other stuff that I'll write about as and when they happen, heheh. In the meantime, I'm just taking it day by day, trying to get through each 24 hours as best as I can.

To add to the chaos of what has thus far been a rather tumultuous 2011, my landlord recently told me I have to vacate my apartment by end of June. With me planning on visiting Perth for about two weeks in May, I'm thinking it might be a wiser idea for me to start moving out before my trip... which would probably mean April would be the last month in my apartment, sob!! So now the decision lies in my hands as to what to do next: find a new apartment? Move into a room with housemates? Or move back home?

I know many might say the latter isn't much of an option, but truth of the matter is, perhaps I should consider myself lucky that it is an option: to move back home and therefore save plenty in terms of expenses, since lodging and food and most bills will be covered (I plan to chip in, of course). But then there's the price of independence and freedom... is it worth the hundreds or thousands I'd be otherwise forking out every month? Oy, decisions, decisions. Oh well, it'll have to be dealt with sooner or later. Sooner, rather than later. So I'll keep everyone informed as time goes by. Till next time... take care! Bye!

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Bye-Bye CG

So as of today, I'm once again alone in my bachelor pad. Chan Ghee moved out this morning, and so it's all quite on the home front. I've been putting up minor announcements on "room for rent" up on Facebook, but really I think I'll see how things go on the new-job front before deciding one way or another if I should have a new housemate. So let's see how things unfold over the next month or so. In the meantime, here's wishing CG all the best - a safe journey back home to Penang, and then off to New Zealand for his new job! :D

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Music, Work and Music Work

So here's what I've been up to lately.

On Sunday, went to Doubletree Hotel in KL for a wedding gig with the lovely Janet Lee, who sang while I accompanied her (rather poorly I thought!) on the keyboard. A fun gig with 18 jazz standards and classics such as The Way You Look Tonight and Say A Little Prayer and Close To You, all of which Janet delivered with class and aplomb while the wedding guests, bless them, ate, drank, laughed, chatted and danced the night away. Good times! Here's to more such gigs to come. I didn't get to take any pics but Janet (and our mutual friend Callie) took plenty on her camera, so I'll post 'em up when and if I get 'em.

On Tuesday, yesterday, I started my first day at work at Selangor Times, a local community newspaper, as the Chief Copy Editor. Yay! So far it's been pretty easy-going and straightforward work, which is good. The working hours are a bit irregular in that I was at the office from 10am to 4pm yesterday, but today it's pretty much been a 12-hour day, and then tomorrow theoretically it'll be a shorter day, and on Fridays and the weekend I don't have to work, while on Mondays I work from home. So it's really somewhat of a three-day week, LOL. Which is great, of course, as it frees me up to keep doing my music work. Speaking of which:

The preparation for the long-awaited FTL cast recording is underway, with me filtering through four nights of live music recordings to select the best performance of each song by the band. We'll use these tracks as the music for the recording, but the cast will be coming in to rerecord their vocals. How very exciting!! So that will eat up most of March, and then April I hope to do some travelling over my extended weekends (including a trip to Singapore to catch The Lion King), before hitting Perth in May for the kids' show. So the next couple of months look pretty exciting!

Anyway I'll leave you now with a track from FTL, a rough mix of one of the songs that was expanded from a segment in the 2005 production. This one is called Before I Turn Sixteen (I've posted a demo previously on this blog, you can revisit that here, including slightly altered lyrics), and it's sung by Mary as she contemplates impending motherhood. The music in the clip below is a live recording of the band, a very rough mix by yours truly (not at all on par with the studio-quality mixing that we'll be doing for the cast recording!), while the slightly muffled vocal is the live performance during the show by Juwita Suwito, our Mary. Till next time: enjoy!